Preface: The goal of this post is to help you find whatever it is you want in a relationship, whether it’s sex, a boyfriend, husband, etc.
That is going to include some harsh truths and ideas some people may not want to hear, but remember this: we fight every truth we do not accept. So please remember that none of what I’m saying is coming from a place of judgment–it’s hard being single and it’s hard meeting people.
The other caveat is that I’m speaking about things generally and there are always exceptions. Maybe you are that exception.
Also, in no way does what I’m about to say diminish the obstacles you face as women, or that you are a powerful, beautiful being who’s striving against a world of stereotypes and the ridiculous expectations our society has for women.
Last: this is about what women can do to attract, date, and have relationships with quality men—it’s not about men.
Women are too passive, but that’s OK, it’s not your fault.
TL;DR—be more aggressive when it comes to meeting and dating men.
“It’s not your fault.”
“Everything will be OK.”
Two phrases we all hear as children—but at some point we stop saying them to men.
Instead we say, “get up, be tough, rub some dirt on it.”
But we continue to say these types of things to women, sometimes even as adults. Women are not the weaker sex, but as a society, we treat them as if that’s the case—a hangover from the more truly misogynistic world of our recent past—and that includes how women often treat other women.
We expect women to defer, to follow the rules, to be prim and proper, etc. and some people (usually men) freak out when a woman tries to assert herself. This isn’t good, it isn’t fair, and it needs to stop, but it is a factor in how our culture and society views women.
The result is twofold:
- Women tend to be passive. This can sometimes be a good thing that is done out of respect—like listening respectfully, which men often have trouble with—but it is often simply out of deference. Guess who fills that space? Men.
- Women often don’t take care of or advocate for themselves when faced with adversity or when solving problems.
Dating is a perfect example. The vast majority of women rarely hit on men, make the first move, etc. Even when it comes to SOD (swipe/online dating), 95% of the time I was the one directing the conversation and setting up the actual date.
Want to know where the aggressive women are? Colorado (kidding).
No, they’re in relationships. With guys they chose.
And what does society tell the woman who’s single, pretty, and passive? “Don’t worry honey it’ll be OK—it’ll happen. The right man will come along. It’s not your fault.”
That’s the opposite of empowerment.
I’m not saying women should go out en masse and start hitting on men in bars and coffee shops (although that would be kind of awesome), but that by looking for more opportunities, not making excuses for why you shouldn’t go out, sitting at the bar instead of the table in the corner, etc., you can dramatically increase your chances of meeting the sort of man you want to meet rather than the sort of man who wants to meet you.
Most important: GO OUT. You cannot meet men sitting in a living room watching Netflix, or at your female friend’s house, or when you’re with your parents (usually). If you’re available, you need to make yourself available. There’s an old fisherman’s saying that you can’t catch any fish if your hook’s not in the water. That’s true for dating too.
Now of course, the downside of being aggressive is that you fail more.
I know from experience.
But failing is good. Getting rejected is good. Having people tell you what they don’t like is good. Because then you can fix that stuff or just learn to move on. Getting rejected usually isn’t about you anyway—it’s about the other person. So if a guy isn’t into you, don’t worry about it. He’s the one missing out, right?
Of high expectations and sexual market value (SMV).
TL;DR—it’s fine to have high expectations as long as they’re in line with what you’re bringing to the table. SMV stands for sexual market value. Women typically peak in their 20’s, men in their 30’s (this is one of those places where there are obvious exceptions).
Social media, television, and SOD lead women to have distorted views in this regard:
- Women believe that high status men (looks, status, wealth—especially regarding wealth) are widely available. They are not.
- Women tend to have an inflated sense of SMV. The more they’re on social media and SOD (swipe/online dating), the greater the inflation.
Remember what I said about how this post isn’t about men.
Because I could go on for days about how men expect every woman to be a stick thin model with massive breasts—that are real—and a sweetheart face he can bring home to mama who’ll fuck him like a pornstar every night.
Does that about cover it?
OK then, the reverse is that women have high expectations too, but it’s not just about appearance—for ladies, it’s about status.
Females are biologically geared to want men of high status. That means looks, wealth, social position. The rap is that the media and internet make it seem like men of extremely high status are widely available.
They are not.
But we think they are because most of the men we see on TV, the internet, or in movies are rich, handsome men who are highly successful. So the perception is that there are lots of these guys.
But there aren’t.
The median individual salary in this country is $31,000. The average salary is around $70,000, but the median is a better measure because the mean is greatly inflated as it includes individuals who make billions per year. So the truth is that there are a lot of guys out there who don’t make a ton of money and are therefore less attractive in term of wealth, even though they may be perfectly nice, good looking guys.
Worse, our perception of status is warped by social media. To begin with, no one posts stuff about their failures or how poor they are—we post the best photos, the vacations, the wins. Now couple this with photoshop, filters, cropping, etc. and you start to see that what we’re shown on Insta is a far cry from reality.
Now I’ll get to the point I wanted to make about SOD—SOD puts that shit on steroids. Everyone’s got the best, often professional, often photo-shopped pictures, and a heavily curated bio if they have one at all. It’s purely superficial and hypergamous. Is he a doctor? A lawyer? Has he been divorced? Does he have kids? But most of all is he super hot?
Here’s a chart showing how people swipe on Tinder based on attraction.
OK, so SOD gives women have a distinct advantage: why is that bad for women?
Because most of the guys you’re matching with can and will do better in real life—or even SOD if he’s super hot. And once he figures this out, he’s gone. The natural tendency of online dating is for women to match with men of higher SMV than what they’re bringing to the table. Harsh? Yes, but that’s the statistical truth based on current social dynamics.
This is why there are fuckboi’s.
Complain all you want, but women swipe right on the hottest dudes almost exclusively (men do this as well, but have lower standards generally; again, refer to the chart).
But think about it from the guy’s perspective: why in the world, if you’re in that top 5% of men who are incredibly good looking/high status—why in the fucking world would you settle down with one woman? SOD makes it possible to have as many as they have time to date. Literally hundreds (I’m sure it’s the same for beautiful women). And the dude doesn’t even have to go out and make an effort.
I guess the point is: if your goal is to have sex with guys who are good looking (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that—don’t let anyone tell you otherwise), SOD works just fine. But the likelihood of developing a relationship with SOD is much lower than it would be meeting men IRL.
Therefore if you want a relationship I would not advise SOD. For one, it’s impossible for your Spidey senses to do their thing until the actual meet and greet on the first date—and this matters more than you think. There’s a ton of evidence to suggest a significant part of attraction is based on pheromones, interpersonal compatibility, and body language, and these are all things that cannot be assessed by looking at a photo, reading a bio, or even texting.
That’s true in reverse as well right? If you’re hot but don’t take good pics or you’ve got a fantastic personality or you’re just an incredibly interesting energetic person, I can’t tell that by looking at your pics or reading your bio on Bumble, and probably not all that much on text messages either.
Additionally, as anyone who’s done it can tell you, SOD takes a lot of time and effort. It also distorts the frame of reference to the point where women develop unrealistic expectations in terms of their SMV.
This is bad because:
For adult women, SMV decreases over time (that’s also the TL;DR)
Unlike men, who can somewhat circumvent attractiveness by acquiring status and/or wealth in lieu of looks, women cannot. Sorry ladies, this is a rather blunt point, but we just don’t care about how much money you have—if we do, you’re being used.
For women, the x-factor is beauty. For men, it’s status.
This isn’t to say personality or compatibility or intelligence or other factors don’t matter. Of course they do. I’d much rather date a 35-year-old I’m attracted to who gets me and is fun and interesting than a snotty 27-year-old who’s younger and somewhat more attractive.
The best way to think about SMV is that if all other things are equal, who will someone choose to date?
Women will choose the man with higher status, however he’s representing that, from looks to wealth to social position. Men will choose the younger, more beautiful woman.
And Father Time is undefeated.
We all get older, and whether it’s post 20’s, 30’s, or 40’s, that means at some point we’re not as physically attractive.
For women, SMV typically peaks in the mid to late 20s. For men it’s the mid to late 30s. Obviously there are exceptions, and people can certainly push their value up or down based on how well they take care of themselves with regard to getting sleep, exercising, eating healthy, etc. Some people even go so far as to get plastic surgery or implants to address this phenomenon.
But here’s the bottom line: it makes sense from an SMV standpoint to see older, wealthy men dating young, beautiful women, but the reverse doesn’t work. Because men aren’t fundamentally attracted to wealth and status the way women are.
What’s unfortunate is that we rarely if ever talk about this fact, even though we’re all sort of aware of it on some level. Shows like Sex and the City, magazines like Cosmo and Vogue, and what our society tells young people to do—go to college, get a job, work on your career, then get married—doesn’t work as well for women as it does for men.
I’ll give you an example. Say we have two people: a man and a woman. They graduate from the same college, get good jobs, and spend their 20s concentrating on their careers, having fun when they can along the way. They both buy houses, get a dog, and by the time they hit 33 let’s say they’re ready to think about settling down to start a family. So who gets married first?
It’s most likely going to be the man. He’s just now in coming into his prime in terms of attractiveness, he has enough wealth to be stable, and he’s matured to the point of having some acquired some social status. He’ll have a ton of good options in the dating market, especially if he stays off SOD.
The woman, unfortunately, will not. That’s not to say she’s doomed to be single, but she’s facing two distinct problems at this point:
- Her sense of SMV has probably reached peak inflation due to social media and SOD, so she’s prone to turn down a lot of guys who are perfectly reasonable matches.
- She’s done well for herself financially, so she expects the same of the guys she meets—isn’t that what “have your shit together” means when y’all write it on your SOD bio? Say she makes $70k a year. She’s probably not going to want to date a dude making much less than that. The problem is that her male peers in this category could date her, but they can also date women in their 20s, so she’s got quite a lot of competition for those men. Additionally, as discussed above, there just aren’t that many men (or women for that matter) who make that much money, because our economy sucks—especially for young people.
In other words, she’s competing with all the most attractive women for a small pool of men who are in high demand. The odds just aren’t as good for her.
So what’s a girl to do?
A: Date Older Men
If you’re 35, don’t put the SOD settings between 30 and 40—set it between 40 and 50 (although I don’t recommend SOD in general for reasons I’ve mentioned above). You’ve got much more of an advantage with that age group than you do with guys in their 30s. Older men are also likely to be wealthier, more mature, and less superficial at that point as well.
If on the other hand you’re in your 20s, just understand you’re at peak SMV (again there are exceptions) and decide what to do with it. Is there anything wrong with just having fun and traveling and working on your career? Not at all. Just remember that hypergamy doesn’t work in reverse: all things being equal, men are going to be attracted to you based on your beauty, not your wealth or social position.
B: Be Aggressive
One thing that’s super sexy in men or women is confidence, and when you’re aggressive, that comes across as confidence.
As I mentioned above, women who are aggressive aren’t single for the most part—they’re in relationships with men they’ve chosen. Could you get rejected? Sure, but let me help you feel better about that: we’re conditioned to have an almost mortal fear of rejection because during evolution—when we were living in tribes and small communities, rejection could mean being frozen out from the tribe, whether socially or sexually. This is especially true for guys, but it applies to women as well.
However, in modern society, getting rejected doesn’t matter. At all. If I talk to a women and it turns out she’s not interested in me, oh well, I’ll move on—her loss. Adopt that attitude and you’ll be fine.
And the truth is as a woman you don’t even have to be all that aggressive. But you do have to go out and make yourself available. Remember the hook analogy!
C: Get Fit
Being the most attractive version of you is never going to hurt.
If you’re avoiding it because you think it will be hard, it is to some extent, but what isn’t hard is the simplicity of what you have to do: stop eating carbs. Lift weights. HIT. And if you’re worried about getting big muscles, don’t—most women don’t have enough testosterone to build big, bulky muscles. Click on the link to learn more.
D: Dress for Success
If you wear clothes you bought at Nordstrom you probably think you’re already doing this, but looking super cute wearing the latest fashion isn’t what I mean.
In fact over dressing can hurt you.
Here’s why: if a guy comes into a bar wearing a T-shirt and jeans and you’re wearing a power suit, glammed up like a model with makeup and jewelry, that’s an intimidating situation for him—especially if he’s a mere mortal who works a normal job and doesn’t make $200k/year. It also—and I’m just being honest here—can make women appear snobby or materialistic, which is a turn off as well. I’d still try to hit on you, even if it’s just for my own entertainment, but most guys won’t.
Actually, what’s interesting about clothing is this: my guess is that women dress up to show status because they find status attractive in men. But to go back to what we talked about earlier, men don’t give a fuck. So you can walk in wearing Gucci or a T-shirt and jeans you bought at a thrift store, and to men, you’re equally attractive.
I know that seems counter intuitive, but that’s just the truth.
So dress however you want—just be aware of how it’s perceived. One mistake I see women make is dressing too conservative. If you look like a mom, I’m going to think of you as a mom, and when we think about moms we don’t think sex, we think mom.
Anyway, I hope this helps. Much love ladies! And remember to check out the follow up: 10 things women can do to meet quality men IRL.