I had an epiphany this week courtesy of one of the ladies I’m currently courting (doesn’t that word sound lovely?)—my muse if you will.
She told me it was impossible to manage all the messages she gets from men on social media or on the dating apps (ahhh, to be young and beautiful)… but furthermore, that most of the dudes she does actually end up on dates with end up being, well, less than she hoped for, whether it’s a lack of social awareness, an inability to carry a conversation, or guys who mansplain and presume every opinion they have is the only one.
In other words: a huge waste of time—both the texting and DMing she was doing with these guys, but also, ultimately, the dates.
We know, however, that because men have so little game these days, womenfolk really have no option but to do SOD or meet guys through social media. The irony is that I’ve complained to friends recently that while I know I’m offering good and actionable things guys can do to meet women, I didn’t feel I was giving women much…
That’s where y’all come in—because obviously as a man I can’t test this thesis (and I’m almost certain it wouldn’t work in reverse anyway).
Understand: what I’m about to propose is radical, but I can almost guarantee it will work. At the very least, you won’t end up wasting so much time texting, DMing, and dating. If that sounds like it’s worth a shot, read on.
So here’s what you do: rather than going on a date with an individual man on a particular night, go on multiple first dates on a given night. I don’t mean you schedule Chad at 7:00, Jesus at 7:30, DeMarcus at 8:00, and Brian at 8:30. I mean you simply let several (maybe 4-5) men you’re interacting with on SOD or social media know the following:
“I will be at the Corkscrew wine bar (great date spot in Portland) on Friday night around 7. If you’d like to meet up and get a drink, please let me know. This is not a date, and I’ve invited other friends, both male and female, but it would be great to meet briefly IRL to see if there’s a connection.”
And then you do just that.
Now, what does this accomplish?
1) You’re screening for high quality men. If none of the dudes show, you’ll know they either weren’t that interested or were cowards afraid of a little competition—and then you and your girlfriend have a couple glasses of wine and catch up (have her invite some men too). NBD. But I can tell you this: if a woman said this to me and I was free that night, I’m game, because I’m a confident man who has some (although I’ll be the guy you didn’t invite who says hi lol). Other high quality men will respond similarly.
2) You don’t have to spend an entire evening with a guy you know after 15 minutes isn’t as attractive as he appeared on SOD, or with whom there’s no chemistry, or as my muse bemoaned, has an off-putting personality.
3) If your friend (or hell, multiple friends) invites some men, you’ll get to meet them too, and who knows? Maybe you click with one of hers and she clicks with one of yours? At the end of the day it shouldn’t matter—the point is to find someone you have a genuine connection with.
4) This will force you to pair down your social media and SOD contacts, because you’ll have to ask the question: do I really want to meet this guy IRL? If not, then why are you talking to him in the first place? Sorry Michael: you didn’t make the cut!
5) It should also free you up to be less picky (and let’s be honest, people are irrationally picky online—statistical fact), because you’re not investing the same amount of time on a potential date. Maybe the guy doesn’t have great pics or has something arbitrary you find mildly objectionable on his profile or bio (because heaven forbid he likes to fish or takes bathroom selfies or has pics with other women)—with this approach, that shouldn’t matter.
6) This eliminates the need for a long back and forth texting or DMing. If you like a guy, think he’s cute, etc., just give him the invite—maybe even give him the hint that you’d rather find out about each other IRL than messaging back and forth. Now he knows he gets his shot and you don’t have to massage his fragile ego over text (yes I know we can be terribly sensitive).
7) You’re out, looking sexy, ideally at a place where there might be other men. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet a guy like me who actually just talks to women IRL? The possibility at least exists, unlike on a typical date during which you’re basically expected to give attention to one man and one many only.
I can guess at what the initial argument against this will be: doesn’t this seem dangerous? What if the men start fighting or get into an argument or it’s awkward? What if a guy just keeps hanging around and won’t leave?
Well ladies, this is where you come in:
- Don’t interact with men who would behave that way (there tend to be signs), but allow me to point out that contrary to popular belief most men are not socially inept animals who will beat each other to a pulp at the first sign of competition. The honest truth is that a lot of guys are pretty passive.
- “What if one of the guys is super awkward but keeps hanging around?” My guess is this won’t be that big of a problem. Guys who are super awkward aren’t going to have the confidence to stand in if there’s another guy you’re clearly more interested in—most will get the hint and leave. Plus, you can always be like: hey, it was nice meeting you, but I want to talk to my friend or this other person. Worst case scenario: you politely let him know you’re not interested and/or make some sort of excuse and potentially leave (I need to go, there’s an emergency, my friend isn’t feeling well).
- As for safety, if you’re in a public place, it’s incredibly unlikely anything untoward will happen, and if there’s more than one dude who’s showing up and you’re with your friend or multiple friends, they’ll act as additional safeguards. Think of it this way: what’s safer—going on a date alone with a man you met on SOD or social media, potentially on a hike or a walk or at a place of his choosing, or in a bar or club with one of more friends where there’s lots of other people? The latter.
The second argument is going to be: what if no one shows up? What if I get rejected? I can’t handle that. Well, that’s a risk you’ll have to take—you should read my post on why rejection doesn’t matter—but what I’ll say here is: who cares? Like, for certain, some guys won’t show up because they can’t deal with that sort of dynamic; but in that case, you should be glad they didn’t show up—it means they’re not quality dudes. Additionally, you’ll know that the guys who do show up have some balls and are truly interested in meeting you. I can tell you this: fuckboi’s aren’t going to show up. But that’s a good thing, right?
But Jeff, isn’t this sort of rude?
No. It’s efficient and effective. Remember: you don’t owe these men anything. If they want to meet you it’s perfectly legitimate to have a say over when, where, and how. The key here is not to lie. Like, if I thought it was a date situation, then yeah, I’d be upset to show up and see other guys there. But as a man, I actually find this approach appealing because I have no desire to waste my time or be on a crappy date either. It would allow me to meet you, see if we have any chemistry, and then go from there.
Anyway, like I said, this is a pretty radical strategy and will definitely take some getting used to—but it’s one way women can increase the odds they’ll meet a solid guy by making SOD and social media more IRL.