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How to meet women IRL: the basics for men

Gentlemen—this one’s for you.

Ladies, some of the conversational stuff can help. Hell, maybe all of it. But the post is geared toward men, and some of what I’m going to say might hurt your feelings–not because I’m a dick who’s mean, but because men need to hear the truth in order for this to work for them.

If you want specific advice for the ladies: here (part one) and here (part two).

Remember everyone: what I do here is tell the truth.

It’s true of my fiction (which makes for good storytelling) and it’s true of my blogs.

For the Manchild posts, I’m trying to give you actionable information that will help you get what you want in the world of modern dating, sex, and relationships.

OK, that’s enough of that—onto the good shit.

First thing: guys, get off SOD (Swipe/Online Dating).

Just get the hell out of there.

Unless you’re in the top 5% best looking guys who have the top 5% best looking pictures, 80% of girls are going to pass on you, and you probably don’t want to date the 20% who swipe right.

Indeed, the truth for men on SOD is that you will mostly match with and meet lower quality women than what you’re bringing to the table. Remember SMV–Sexual Market Value? Her’s will almost always be lower than yours when it comes to SOD, often significantly. Read the original post or go to that section on SOD in my first dating advice post for women for more on that (ladies that’s why you should get off of it too unless you want to get passed around by fuckboi’s–and if you do, that’s cool. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever. Just know that that’s what you’re doing).

OK, so you’re like: what now, Jeff? If I’m not meeting women SOD, where the hell am I going to meet them? And how? Talking to random strangers is super awkward.

This is true for a lot of us, and it was true for me—until I learned.

Luckily it’s not as hard or as awkward as it seems: here’s how to talk to random people, but especially women IRL.

The Foundation: be an awesome, interesting person—be the best version of you.

The first key to meeting women IRL is developing the confidence to talk to them. If you don’t believe—know without a doubt—that you deserve to talk to the girl, that in fact she wants you to talk to her, none of the rest of it matters.

So here’s what you do: first, get in shape. That means lifting, diet, HIT. I wrote a blog about it recently, and yes it really is as simple as I say it is. Since that information is already available I’m not going to repeat it.

Next, be an intelligent, interesting person. That means reading books, developing an appreciation for art, science, beauty, storytelling, etc. It means going for walks and taking the time to think about larger questions. It means meditating.

But most of all, it means having some sort of mission you’ve set about to accomplish. For me, that’s blogging and writing fiction. For you it might be improving your house, working on a side project or business, volunteering for a cause you believe in, starting a band, or going back to school.

Whatever it is, you should have a story to tell—and quite honestly, I don’t mean just to get girls (although it will definitely help with that too).

No, this advice is for you as a person.

Your life will be so much better if you have some larger reason for being than beating video games after work hoping to get laid by a woman you don’t deserve. Women don’t want men who dedicate their lives to drinking beer and watching sports. This isn’t a shocking development.

Does that mean you shouldn’t ever watch sports and drink beer? Of course not. But you should have a purpose, a mission, a passion—because if you do you will be infinitely more attractive to women than men who don’t, and you’ll know it.

That confidence will surround you constantly.

I say this next piece not to brag but to convey: once you see the path to being the sort of man you want to be, to understand your destiny and know that it’s in your power to achieve it—to know with certainty that you will—it is the most powerful life-changing thing there is.

In sum: be excellent.

Warning: I hate to get political, but I’m telling the truth so it needs to be said. If you want to hear the truth, go here. If you’d rather not, continue reading.

Mantra One: IT IS NOT RUDE TO TALK TO STRANGERS.

As long as the conversation isn’t strange.

People like to talk—especially to confident, well-groomed, enterprising, handsome men. Remember the foundation: if you are those things then that’s how you’ll come across.

Again, as long as the conversation isn’t strange.

Strange conversations are ones where someone tries to broach intimate topics too soon or asks for something out of line with the depth of the relationship. So I can ask my good friend Steve about his sex life or for help moving out of my apartment, but I can’t and wouldn’t ever think to ask these types of things to someone I just met.

So when talking to strangers, we want to keep the conversation innocent, fun, and surface level–until they show they want to take it somewhere else.

Also, and this is key, have a sense of curiosity. Questions like: why; how did you feel about that; what did you learn; is that really true? People love to share things about themselves with curious people, so develop that mindset of really wanting to know more about them. It’s an amazing and fun way to change how you view others.

OK, so here’s what you do more specifically: find something in the environment to comment on or something about the person’s style or attire or attitude that’s fun and innocent.

Like: “do you have an accent?”

“Have you ever tried marcona almonds?” (This is a great one guys—at the sample tables on a Saturday at an upscale grocery store? Perfect line. Whatever they’re sampling, talk about it. Food is sexy too.)

“What beer/wine/drink do you have there?” (answers) “Oh yeah, how do you like it?”

“I love your earrings—were they made locally?”

Hell, comment on the fucking weather as long as you go somewhere interesting with it, which takes us back to the foundation.

So for example, I might follow up with a question about a character in my book, or ask what they’ve read recently, or make a comment about a movie or something political (if she looks so inclined), because I know about that stuff and I’m interested in it.

Seriously guys, read books.

It’s such a great question, because if you ask her: “what’s the last book you read?” and then have a conversation about books, either: A) she’s impressed that you read, also reads, and now you have something to talk about; or B) she’s impressed that you read, maybe a little embarrassed because she doesn’t, which gives you a reason to tease her, and that creates sexual tension.

In other words, no matter how she answers, you have somewhere to go with the conversation.

I guess this sounds overly simplistic, but the truth is: find something cool to talk about. It doesn’t really matter what it is as long as you’re:

Mantra Two: THOU SHALT BE FUN AND HIGH ENERGY

You need to exude happiness and abundance. You need to shine your heart out (that’ll be an upcoming blog I’ll link to eventually). But anyway, you need to be interesting and fun. Playful. Provocative—if necessary. Sexy. Ah, but we’ll come to that.

If you do this, what you’re saying matters a lot less. High energy people who are excited about life and curious about the world are fun to talk to regardless of the topic. Part of this goes back to foundation one, but it’s also a change in mindset.

But Jeff, being super fun and interesting all the time—how do you do that?

Mantra Three: PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE

It’s actually not that hard, but like anything, to develop mastery, you have to practice.

Please understand, I’m not some sort of genius. I’m not super fun and interesting all the time. I sometimes run out of shit to say, stumble with my words, say the wrong thing.

I’m just saying that when I’m on point, it’s incredible and it works.

And it gets easier the more you do it. You have to get used to talking to strangers, more comfortable striking up conversations and holding that person’s interest.

I think one of the best ways to practice is to talk to anyone—everyone—you might come across. Old people are particularly lovely to have conversations with.

Seriously, when I’m at the bar, I’ll talk to everyone: the bartender, anyone sitting at the bar, patrons that come order at the bar–everyone who seems like they might have something to say.

And actually, I’m doing them all a favor. I’m creating a fun social environment where people get comfortable mixing it up.

Anyway, I’m still learning and I’m not an expert, but I know that I can become one with time and practice.

Warning: you will crash and burn. You will. I had a horrible rejection the other day from the snottiest girl to ever take up a bar stool—I want it to be known I wasn’t trying to talk to her; I prefer women of integrity—but she was the one who dismissed me, and it fucking stung.

But instead of being a baby about it, I thought to myself: how could that have gone differently and better? And I came up with some stuff. Next time it’ll go better. Or if it doesn’t I’ll learn something different else.

Which takes us back to the Foundation.

Mantra Four: SEXUAL INTENTION

If your intention is sexual, then let it be sexual. People say: don’t beat around the bush—but the second part of that quote is: just stick it in. Stop poking her.

Kidding (sort of).

I guess what I’m trying to say is why hide your intentions of wanting to fuck her? If you want to fuck her then let that be known in your intention and body language. If she’s hanging out with you randomly and still talking to you after five minutes, there’s a decent chance she wants to fuck you or at least is considering what that would be like.

Plus, on a side note, what I’ve noticed with increased confidence and this change in mindset is that almost all women like a man who is charming, old and young alike, and part of being charming is being sexy–even if you have not intentions with that particular woman.

So goddamnit, be sexy.

Mantra Five: IT’S A NUMBERS GAME

Much less so and with much higher success and more beautiful women than SOD, but yes, meeting women IRL is still a numbers game. Huge numbers of them will flake out (50%+ even for guys who are handsome) between the exchange of info and second date.

If you don’t believe me, let me remind you: there are thousands of examples of women–probably millions if we consider antiquity–who’ve talked themselves out of dating or sleeping with incredibly handsome, rich, amazing men. Men they had no business being with.

We’re talking: Kings. Rockstars. Famous men who were giants in their time.

Understand why–and ladies, if this offends you, then don’t be this way. But don’t tell me this isn’t the reality, because it is:

  1. Women tend to be passive and indecisive. If they can find a reason not to hang out, or aren’t feeling in the mood, or whatever, they’ll flake. It probably has nothing to do with you.
  2. Women, particularly beautiful women, have options. You’re not the only guy who wants to date them, and the fact is she may just have better options. If that’s true, go back to the foundation. Or talk to other girls.
  3. Beware your social media presence. It sucks for me because I’m trying to put my shit out there so I kind of have to do it (although everyday I consider whether to unplug), but women will absolutely find everything out about you they can online. And anything–even the smallest, most insignificant thing will be used against you. If you don’t have to be on it, don’t, or be on it but don’t post much, or be very careful what you post, but know it absolutely will affect your success with women.
  4. A word on single moms–100% honesty I have a few irons in the fire with single moms, but as soon as those go out I’m not doing it again. Or at least, I’m not going out of my way to date a single mom. If there’s a woman in this category who shows interest and pursues me, I’d certainly consider it, but I’m not going to do the chasing. Why? I have nothing against single moms, but in my experience it’s been next to impossible date them. To date someone, you need at least a couple times a week as possibilities to hang out, and the moms I’ve met just don’t have the time to date, or flake out for the same reasons others do. I guess what I’ll say is if your going to pursue women in this category, understand you’ll receive a much lower return on your investment in terms of time and effort.

Trust that in the end however, numbers overcome bad results and anomalies.

My goal is to meet one new woman or two each day. As many genuine conversations as it takes to get a number. Often it’s only one. Understand, I don’t do this in a creepy way. I just go to places I would normally go–coffee shop, tap house, restaurant, park–and simply talk to the attractive women I encounter in those places.

And even if I get only a 10% return–as in, I only get a date 1/10 times–that still means over time I’m going to end up developing relationships with a large number of women.

Then I can decide which one of them I like best and date that person. Or keep meeting new people.

And guys, don’t be naive: women do EXACTLY what I’m describing above. EXACTLY. You’re not monogamous until you are. Remember that.

But you have to practice, practice, practice and know that many women will flake. My guess is that it will take me another two years (I’ve been at it for six months) to get really comfortable with this.

But I also know that it’s going to work as long as I stick to the above.

Because it already has 😉

Much love my brothas.

(Remember, if you want exclusive access to my podcast on dating and more information, sign up for the newsletter with your email. I’ll be sending that stuff out on Friday. Newsletter sign up is on the side bar.)

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