Gentlemen, what follows are the basic steps of what most people call cold approach. I don’t like that name, because it sounds, well, cold. And it’s really a simple thing that shouldn’t be taboo or a big deal—it’s simply how to match in real life (MIRL).
Whatever the hell you want to call it, here’s how it works.
First—and any guy with decent game knows this—the opener doesn’t matter. “Hi, I’m Jeff—what’s your name?” is actually fine if it’s backed up with decent conversation and you follow steps two through four.
But if you want to get technical, there are basically two kinds of openers that work best: a) situational, or b) direct.
Situational examples: “Are you here for the tacos as well?” (at a Mexican restaurant) or “So what are you drinking tonight?” (at a bar) or “Holy shit it’s cold out there!” (anytime it’s cold)
Direct examples: “Hi, how are you? I know this is a bit odd but you’re quite lovely and I thought I’d come say hi.” or *feigning surprise* “Oh my goodness you’re beautiful—but you look like trouble as well…” *smile* or “Has anyone told you that you have absolutely stunning eyes?”
The advantage of the situational open is that it allows you to maintain the frame that you might not even be interested in her. She probably thinks you are, but she’s not sure, and that initial tension is good.
The advantage of the direct open is that you are making clear that this is a romantic/sexual interaction and you find her attractive. The disadvantage is that it puts the woman on her heels and gives some of your power away, because she now knows—or thinks—that if she wants you she can have you. In my experience this leads to a more difficult interaction, although I’m still learning.
Advocates of the direct open would probably tell you that in the long run it’s better because even though you may get more rejections, you’ll also get more true matches because you are expressing clear intent and if the girl is into you, it’s not a hard decision for her to make.
The reason I prefer the situational open is that it’s more casual and less abrupt. It gives the girl a chance to become at least slightly comfortable with what’s happening as well. Just know that at some point—usually within the first few comments—you have to be direct and let her know you find her attractive.
The other thing you can do is thrown in a false time constraint, like: “hey, my friends and I are leaving soon, but…” This takes pressure off the entire conversation. Just know that if you do this you have to leave eventually or make some excuse why you’re not going to.
Oh, and no matter what opener you go with, introduce yourself. “Hi, I’m Jeff.” This shows confidence and social proof.
2) Establish Frame.
Once you go direct—whether that’s with the opener or shortly thereafter—one of three things is going to happen.
A) You happen to be just her type, she’s in a good mood, or whatever, and she just goes right along with it—either telling you she thinks you’re attractive too, or moving closer/touching you casually. If this happens just don’t fuck it up.
B) She’s going to assume she has all the control in the interaction and try to dismiss you in some way. This is what we call a shit test. She may do this by suggesting you’re low status, or a player, or saying she’s overtly not interested/has a boyfriend, etc. I’ll talk about how to pass these later, because they’re definitely going to happen at some point.
C) She’s actually not interested or has a boyfriend.
As I said, if A happens, just be thankful and move on to the next step.
If C happens, you just need to move on.
However, B is most likely.
One way you can preempt this is by expressing some sort of reservation. Take the earlier example: *feigning surprise* “Oh my goodness you’re beautiful–but you look like trouble as well…” *smile*
By following the “beautiful” compliment with the “trouble” reservation, you’re expressing that yes you’re clearly interested, but that’s all.
And frankly—that’s exactly how you should feel. You don’t know this woman. Maybe she’s crazy or in massive debt or a tease or a flake or whatever. All you know at this point is that she’s attractive. So you should have reservations and express them in a polite way, which takes pressure off the interaction.
There are definitely women I’ve opened who, after speaking with them a bit, I decided not to pursue. And that’s a good way to think about it: you’re interested, but it’s a job interview for the title of girlfriend, and you should ask the appropriate questions to find out if she’s a good candidate.
So basically, once you open and go direct, frame the conversation as such, which leads us to the next step.
3) Build Rapport/Flirt
Now you’re simply having a conversation with the girl, so you better be interesting and have stuff to talk about. However, at the same time, allow her the space to talk—in fact, the more she talks the better, because that means she’s becoming somewhat invested in you. It also happens to be the right/polite thing to do.
The key here is to continue to escalate the sexual tension. Hold eye contact. Smile. Tease her about something (“you blink a lot” is a classic, but it’s better if it’s actually something relevant to who she is).
At some point, you should try to touch her assuming she seems interested. A light touch on the upper arm or finding some reason to touch her hand—not something overtly sexual but that builds familiarity and chemistry and tension.
Now again you’re going to enter a territory where she knows you like her, but unlike the open, she’s OK with it, which bring us to the next step.
Now we go back to the mindset of job interview for girlfriend.
Sprinkle questions in the conversation that are important to you. I love books, so a question I’ll often ask is what’s the last book she read. I also like girls who are adventurous, so another is: “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” Anyway, what you’re doing is finding out if indeed this is a woman you’re actually interested in—and likewise, by making her qualify herself, you’re delivering the message that you’re a high quality guy who has options and doesn’t sleep with just anyone, and this will make her more interested in you.
5) Escalate and/or Close
At this point, things are going well, and you can do one of two things: A) continue the interaction—mini-date, or B) exchange numbers or social media handles.
A lot here depends on the nature of the interaction and how much time you have. Most of the time the latter is going to be the correct answer. It’s rare that women just have nothing to do for hours on end if they’re out, so it’s often the case that I just get their number and then we go on a date later.
However, if possible, you can always see if she wants to do something then, like get some food or a coffee or a drink—whatever happens to be fun and makes sense in the moment. This is the best, because if she agrees you’re going to have a much deeper connection with her than if you simply exchange phone numbers.
On Passing Shit Tests
A shit test is when a woman questions a man’s worth, throws up an unnecessary barrier to moving forward, and/or otherwise suggests he is low status or unworthy or has undesirable qualities and/or interests.
Classic shit tests when MIRL: “I have a boyfriend”; ignoring you initially, “your not my type”; “buy me a drink”; “what are you looking for”–basically, any reason why you should leave or not be talking to her or not be doing what you’re doing.
To pass a shit test, there are two options: 1) escalate. For example: “I have a boyfriend.” Answer: “I have a girlfriend–should we introduce them?” *getting out your phone* or 2) disqualify. Example: “how old are you?” (as in you’re too young/old for her). Answer: “too old/young for you.”
In essence, what you need to show is that you don’t care if she likes you or not and that you’re prepared to walk away. Be confident and maintain your frame, which is this: you are a high value badass motherfucker and she’s LUCKY to be talking to you. Buy you a drink? Buy me one first!
And that, gentlemen, is how you cold approach, aka MIRL (again: matching in real life).
Honest disclaimer: at first, you will experience a fair amount of rejection and failure. Just use each experience to learn and view this for what it is–a process. You’re educating yourself in game, and that’s a very very good thing to do. Once you get even moderately good at this (where I’d put myself), the results are phenomenal.
Much love my brothas! Good luck out there!