One of the most common things I hear as a guy who does MIRL aka “cold approach” is “I have a boyfriend.”
And of course many women do, and say this meaning: “move along buddy, I’m not interested.”
However, if I stopped talking to a woman every time she said this I’d be potentially robbing both of us of a beautiful connection—in fact, I’ve exchanged numbers or social media info with more than a dozen women who said this to me and have gone on dates with several of them to this point.
Indeed, there are multiple problems with the “I have a boyfriend” line:
- It’s indirect. I understand that women may think this is a nice way of dismissing a guy, but it’s not, because:
- The implication is that if you didn’t have a boyfriend, you might consider dating me… it’s almost like if you were talking to a prospective employer—even though they might not currently have an open position, you’d still want to appraise them of your skills in case a position opened up.
- Some women have boyfriends they’re not particularly fond of—which is why they’re out in bars and clubs, looking sexy, without them. These women often deliver the line with a smirk, as in: are you man enough to take me from him? Yeah, I know that sounds fucked up, but it happens: ALL. THE. TIME.
- Some women say this to avoid feeling “slutty”—this way, continuing to talk to a random guy feels more OK.
- Ladies, you’re probably not going to be very happy about this, but I’m spilling the beans: many—I repeat—many women are dating multiple guys. So yeah she may have a boyfriend—she may have several—but that doesn’t mean she might not want one more…
I could go on, but the point is there are lots of reasons a woman might say she has a boyfriend but is using that line as a shit test, and is actually still interested in the guy if he’s unfazed. Again, I know this because it’s happened to me personally.
Now here’s the thing: sometimes—maybe even often—it is the case that a woman genuinely does not want to talk to a random guy, whether it’s something about him personally or her own emotional/mental state at the time. Or the fact that she really does have a boyfriend.
If I may there’s an unpleasant truth here: the less game/attractive a man has/is, the more “creepy” it is for him to hit on a woman. Sorry but it’s true. Ladies, you don’t have to apologize for this—it is what it is; gentlemen, this is why calibration is important—if a girl is clearly out of your league, she’s going to be annoyed you’re trying to hit on her. Fact. And this is also why it’s important to work on yourself first, and getting the girl second.
OK, so here’s what women should say instead of the boyfriend line:
“Hey, I’m sure you have good intentions and you’re a perfectly nice guy, but I’m just not interested. Thanks.” *turns away*
Or some slight variation on that theme.
If the guy continues, look him in the eyes and say: “no, seriously, please leave me (or us) alone.” And deliver this line with a some fire. Why? Because one thing guys do when girls reject them is get mad (which is super shitty; my apologies–and guys, don’t do that: it’s the worst)—but if you get mad first, most guys will get scared. Trust me.
As for me, I’d be gone after the first comment because it’s clearly not a shit test. The woman has just directly said she isn’t interested and doesn’t want to talk. But even for a guy who’s more persistent, the second line delivers the implicit warning of: “or else.”
And there’s your nuclear option: if the guy still doesn’t get the hint, march up to the security guard or the bartender or the manager or someone with some authority and get some help. If it’s on the street, call the cops or pull out the mace. My guess, however, is that if you deliver those lines in sequence, that won’t be necessary, because as I said, the guy who’s hitting on you in almost every case isn’t some nefarious criminal—he just thinks you’re attractive.
Oh, and I should mention, this applies to social media as well. Seriously, if you don’t want to talk to a guy, don’t string him along or ignore his texts or DMs because you want him as a follower on Instagram—that’s called narcissism, and it’s fucking pathetic. Just be direct. Tell him to bugger off.
And for God’s sake don’t tell the guy you have a boyfriend, even if that does happen to be true. Because if that’s the case—and you truly love your man—then the more direct line is true as well…