Addressing a few things that have come up as feedback or criticism from readers. Keep it coming! I love feedback, especially critical feedback that helps me improve as a man, writer, thinker…
BTW–if you didn’t read my manifesto on why modern dating sucks, please do. It’s extremely difficult to solve a problem we don’t understand, and the piece lays out all of the aspects that keep people from finding what they want in romance and relationships.
On flaking, scorn, and rejection.
- Don’t take flakes or rejection personally—it’s not.
- Work to build a network of friends and partners who are reliable, loyal, and straightforward.
- Be forgiving, but at the same time, don’t put up with people who consistently flake out or are unreliable. It’s not worth the headache.
- If you can’t make a date or an event, tell the person/party beforehand and try to reschedule if possible.
- Don’t accept invitations you aren’t excited about.
- Sometimes it’s reasonable to flake—sometimes it’s not: know the difference.
- Ex. If you have a fever of 100 and flu-like symptoms, by all means stay in; however, “not feeling like it/being tired” is a damn poor excuse to no show on friends or a date.
Recently a reader of one of my posts suggested I sounded “scorned” when writing about women who flake on dates or don’t want to exchange numbers—she made a good point about the language I used so I did end up altering a particular sentence slightly…
But in point of fact, I don’t actually feel bitter or scorned—my dating life rocks (thank you MIRL)!
On the other hand I’d be lying if I said women never flake on dates with me or aren’t straightforward or don’t want to give me their number—that’s their prerogative and I don’t pay it too much mind because many do give me their number, don’t flake, and by all accounts enjoy my company. Either way I’m simply being honest about what has happened.
But I think the reader’s comment stems from a broader societal notion that if I was truly a high quality man, women wouldn’t flake.
This is to misunderstand women, if not humans in general. Indeed, I would argue that particularly for millennials, flaking is a social epidemic. I recently had a friend who’s entire running team flaked on a bowling outing that nearly all had initially agreed to attend. Not one or two—ALL. This was after a lot of “kumbaya” moments and the closeness that comes with competing together on a team.
So we need to understand: flaking is not about the person who’s flaked on—it’s almost always a reflection on the person who flakes. And in the long run that will bear itself out: it’s a statistical fact that people who flake have worse and fewer relationships than people who do what they say and communicate like adults.
To this point, I recently watched a video in which James Marshall—arguably the best pick-up/seduction artist in the world—conceded that he once had a stretch where for three straight weeks every single woman he got a number from flaked. This was at a time when he making incredible money flying all over the world teaching other men how to MIRL—at the top of his game. Hell, google the bastard: he’s an incredibly handsome man with a silky Australian accent!
And yet again, for three weeks, EVERY SINGLE WOMAN HE MET, flaked.
So a few things:
1) Everyone who is single/looking is evaluating others and ultimately comes to the conclusion that they are attractive enough to consider dating—or not.
Understand: this is almost never personal, which is why it doesn’t bother me. The woman I approach at the coffee shop who opts not to give me her number can’t possibly know enough about me to make it personal, nor does the woman who flakes on our first date or even second date—and many of them regret it later which is why they zombie back!
I should also note, if you’re doing SOD, you’re getting rejected ALL THE TIME by hundreds if not thousands of people. You just never have to see it.
2) The idea that any worthwhile man or woman should never be single is TOXIC.
Disclaimer: I’m not condoning violence. I’m just acknowledging the reality. Some men are truly scary creatures in ways women can’t even approach.
On a long enough time frame it can even cause men to kill themselves or alternately, become killers. The worst thing in the world you can call a man is a “loser” and if by implication, we say that men who are single are losers, we’re going to lose them.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: in today’s world with female hypergamy running rampant, a huge portion of men—perhaps even a majority—will rarely if ever have a relationship or sex with women. That’s bad.
Please understand: this isn’t to say women owe men sex—women don’t owe men anything. But we need to stop making men—and women for that matter—feel as if it’s a personal failing if they’re not in a relationship.
3) People make dumb decisions. All the time.
Some women could be getting hit on by Idris Elba and figure out a way to blow it–flake on a date with him, blow him out; hell, some would be too racist to give him a chance in the first place.
This does not mean Idris Elba is not an attractive, successful man.
It means those women aren’t making good decisions when it comes to relationships. Men of course, are prone to the same thing, although less so as we function more on pure attraction than other aspects of a person’s characteristics—and we’re less picky: statistical fact.
What do I mean when I say “high quality man”?
- Men: you need to be 2/3—if you’re not, it’s going to be hard to attract women.
- Ladies: a lot of men can’t/won’t do the above, so when you do come across a man who does, don’t get squirrelly and blow it.
- Because men today are so passive, it’s understandable why women would do SOD—however, understand ladies, you should be screening for men who have 2/3 of the characteristics below, not stats (see description below).
- Dudes: most women aren’t going to do the above, so learn to MIRL (match in real life) and get the hell off SOD. If you want to learn, sign up for the email list or connect with me via social media and get in touch… I’m willing to go so far as to do some coaching.
Not simply a man who makes decent money and is good looking—there are all kinds of bros out there who look the part of a high quality man, but can’t play the role.
Also, I should point out that though I refer to myself as a high quality man, for some women I’m most certainly not. In this sense, how the term is defined has a lot to do with what each particular woman is looking for; however, there are some commonalities.
- Attractiveness: as in, is this guy handsome, built, sexy? This varies of course, but in general women prefer men who are tall and strong, with square jaws and symmetrical facial features.
- Wealth/Status: as in, does the guy make good money and/or command power in some way? These often go hand in hand.
- Game/Confidence: as in, does this guy know what the hell he’s doing in life and with women? There are a lot of guys who fit in both or one of the two above but fail badly in this category, and this matters significantly—maybe even more than either of the first two—because this is what makes for a strong connection in a relationships, both emotional and sexual.
I consider a man who possesses two out of three of these things to be a high quality man; to use myself as an example, I’m pretty solid on boxes 1 and 3. When it comes to wealth/status it’s not quite as clear cut (although having a job and being able to pay your bills is kind of a pre-requisite). Again to use myself as an example, I can afford a nice apartment in Portland, I go out when I want to, enjoy extracurriculars like skiing, fly fishing, etc. but I’m by no means rich. So women looking for a meal ticket probably aren’t interested, but plenty of others seem to find my lifestyle sufficiently attractive.
Note here that none of these categories have anything to do with stats (age, prior relationships, divorced/has kid(s), college, lifestyle, has dog, drinks or doesn’t, uses drugs or doesn’t, etc.), and this I suspect is where a lot of women get it wrong. Because human beings are not baseball cards, nor a static set or good/bad decisions, nor a resume—none of those things are going to tell you whether he’s a quality person or not or whether there’s even a basic level of attraction.
Yet another pitfall of SOD, which is based purely on appearance and stats rather than personal qualities… hmmm, I wonder when I’ll get to that again?
Oh right, next week.
Why am I so hard on women?
- A lot of people would rather swim in a sea of lies than be given an honest assessment of how to get better… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I love women!
Why would I spend so much time writing about this stuff if I didn’t enjoy meeting beautiful women and spending time with them?
As to the question, I’m not—at least, not any harder on women than I am on men. If you read the blog regularly, you’ll note that I wrote a post telling men to get their shit together long before I did so for women.
So I think the perception I’m being hard on women is that we’re simply not used to people being straightforward with them when it comes to romance, dating, and relationships (if I have been unfair, it’s that I’ve talked more about female hypergamy than male polygamy–but there’s a really good reason for that).
Anyway, my hope is that the reason you read this blog is because I’m honest and don’t blow smoke up your collective asses. I could tell women what society so often does—“don’t worry, Mr. Right will come along,” “It’ll just happen,” “It’s not your fault—you can do so much better,” but that’s not going to help anyone now is it?
But given how bad the state of manhood is today, I’ll give the gents a gentle reminder:
- Get in shape,
- Have a mission/goal,
- Stop playing video games and start reading books,
- Learn some game, and
- Stop being a needy bitch when it comes to relationships.
Much love my peeps!