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5 mantras for single ladies who don’t want to be… single.

Disclaimer: all of what I’m about to say below is advice I’ve taken myself (from a male perspective of course). And it works. 

The good news is that there are actions you can take that will make it much more likely, but it’s going to take a change in strategy, mindset, expectations, and likely, lifestyle. 

So for those who dare, here we go…

1) Get fit.

Men are shallow. We like beautiful women. Because: evolution. If you find this idea offensive, you probably shouldn’t read my blog.

And let’s not bitch about it too much either because y’all want a tall, handsome, successful man—right?

Indeed, the greatest irony about people who say they want to be liked for their personality is that they DON’T themselves seek out partners of the opposite sex for their personality–otherwise they’d be in a relationship.

Because the truth is there are a lot of lovely, unique people out there who are kind and decent. Attractiveness, on the other hand, is scarce—and remember: true desire cannot be negotiated.

The good news is that men are actually far less shallow and picky than women (statistical fact–and understand, I’m not saying men aren’t sometimes too picky–but what we’re capable of pales in comparison to the particularities of the basic bitch), but I won’t belabor the point: be the best, hottest version of you. If you follow me on Insta of FB you know I have a few ideas on how to do that. #keto

2) Be realistic.

Grab your phone, take an unedited selfie with no filters, then go on hotornot.com and post it. Then view the results.

Kidding.

Well, sort of. You don’t actually have to do that, but the point is to have a realistic assessment of how attractive you are. Because if you expect Brad Pitt then you better look like Angelina, and remember, you’re not your Snap or Insta profile nor all the slobbery comments on there telling you how pretty you are—you’re a flesh and blood human being and at some point in dating and finding a relationship that’s going to matter.

Moreover, if you expect a man to be financially successful—as in owns a home, makes 70k or more a year, etc.—understand that success to you is the same thing as beauty is to us. Think of it this way: on a sliding scale, the more wealth and power a man has the more likely it is he can date a beautiful woman. Don’t believe me? Two words: Donald Trump.

Also, remember that every qualification or non-negotiable you have for a man reduces the number of men in your dating pool.

Six feet and over? Only 20% of men are.

Can’t have a fish pic in his bio? Well I’ve got bad news for you: a lot of guys like fishing, including yours truly.

So when it comes to lifestyle, make sure what you’re asking for is truly important, and as for non-negotiables, the fewer the better.

3) High quality men are rare; act accordingly.

Ladies, I’ve got bad news: there aren’t that many awesome dudes out there who are single. There just aren’t.

Worse, this generation of men are sorely lacking in game. Most men will not pass your shit tests, they’ll text you too much, and they’ll be way too passive and ingratiating… I know, I know: super annoying–I’m trying to help, but we can’t just snap our fingers and expect that it will change overnight.

The tragedy is it’s not even their fault: our society has told them to be this way. Actually, sometimes women tell them to be this way.

So in the spirit of keeping this short and sweet, I’ll make two observations:

A) If you come across a high quality man, get him. Don’t flake out. Don’t get shy. Don’t blow it. You DO NOT get infinite chances with these types of guys—because we have options.

Quick story: about a month ago I had an amazing date with a very attractive woman. Fantastic conversation, great connection, and we ended up making out after I walked her to her car. We were supposed to go out again… but she flaked.

OK, no worries, shit happens, so we set up another date. And she flakes again.

Fast forward a week and she texts me on a Friday night: hey what are you doing 😉 ?

Me: I’m on a date.

And that was that.

High quality men don’t have time for women who flake out and/or can’t communicate like adults, because we simply don’t have to put up with that shit. So don’t blow it.

B) Keep your shit testing to a minimum. If you like a guy, don’t fuck with him too much and play games. Because the problem is a lot of guys will think you aren’t interested—or conversely, they’ll freak out and start sending text after text after text and at some point end up ruining whatever connection you had by looking like a needy bitch/freak.

Now, contrary to what most women believe, he’s probably not (well, he may be kind of a needy bitch–but at the same time be a perfectly good guy otherwise).

No, the truth is that he probably just really likes you and is excited to spend more time with you and when you don’t text him back he gets sad and then you still don’t text him back so he gets sadder, and pretty soon that sadness turns into anger and he freaks out because we don’t do a good job teaching men in our society how to deal with our emotions.

That’s a bad dynamic—not a bad person.

I know plenty of awesome guys who are handsome and successful who’ve done that exact thing above. Hell, it’s something I did once or twice before I drowned my feelings under the bridge like a bag of unwanted kittens.

Which brings me to the next point:

4) Communicate like an adult.

This is something both sexes need to work on.

Don’t wait eight days to text someone back. Reply to DMs—even if it’s only to say you aren’t interested. And if he calls, answer the damn phone.

Obviously all of this happens on a sliding scale from the first interaction (less communication) to the point where you’re in a relationship (daily communication), but some of the complaints women had about men when I posted the question on FB were being ghosted, poor communication skills, and not being honest. If you value good communication from men, be a good communicator yourself.

5) Passive people don’t get what they want, and busy people are, well, busy.

On social media the other day I saw something to this effect: “being single doesn’t mean no one wants you; it means God is still writing your love story,” which caused me to throw up in my mouth a little.

And then I was just sad.

Because our society tells women in nearly every way possible–whether it’s the Disney Princess stories, the RomComs, the romance novels, or just the small bullshit phrases people say all the time like “the right one will come along,” “he’s not good enough for you anyway,” “it’ll happen when you least expect it”, etc.–that it’s basically it’s OK to do nothing and some day, by some obscure work of fucking magic the perfect man will show up and sweep you off your feet.

Sorry, I’m calling bullshit.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hopeful or excited for that next date or have high expectations, but there’s no guarantee Dr. Squarejaw Responsiblemuscles is just going to waltz into your life and whisk you off to get married on a private resort in Hawaii. That shit just doesn’t happen—and if it does, it’s probably because: A) the girl deserved him (keep in mind that might just mean being real pretty–life’s not fair), and B) she didn’t blow it.

And that’s the point: the people who get the things they want in life either deserve and/or work hard to get them. They make an effort. They try. And they take advantage of every opportunity they’re presented.

The good news is that—assuming you have reasonable expectations (see mantra #2)—your guy is out there.

But you’re not going to meet him on your couch watching Netflix, nor if you’re so busy with kids and/or working you have no time to go out—and I hate to break it to you, but probably not on SOD either. Only 13% of people who use dating apps get married, and over 50% of all matches result in 1-2 dates… at most.

Plus with SOD there’s a bit of a trap in that it tends to become people’s social life, rather than having a social life IRL and meeting people that way.

Anyway, as I’ve pointed out several times, aggressive women get the men they want because they have virtually no competition. I can tell you that as a dude, if an attractive woman makes it clear she’s interested and is a good communicator, it’s not an issue of if, but when.

And yet so many women move through life with the passive expectation that it’s just going to happen without doing anything other than maintaining an apathetic Bumble profile, and when a good guy actually does come along, fucking around and getting fussy—or are so goddamn busy they can’t find a time to actually meet the dude.

So wherever you’re at along the scale, find a way to be more aggressive and less busy.

For example, if you never go out on Friday night wearing something sexy, do that.

If you try to avoid having conversations with men in public or brush them all off on principle, stop it—as long as it’s a safe situation of course.

If you’re bad about communicating, whether via text or DM or on SOD, make a point to be better about that.

And for heaven’s sake, if an attractive man shows interest in you, give him something to go on—I find it so odd that something that happens to me regularly is I’ll be DMing or texting with a girl and she’ll just stop… so I stop, assuming she’s not interested—and also because I’m not a needy bitch.

But then, as I wrote recently, she’ll zombie back a week or more later, asking what I’m up to—and by that point, as with the flaky girl, I’ve moved on. It’s too late.

And hey, I get it: maybe she was truly busy or forgot. That’s fair. But the problem for her is that I have women in my life who aren’t too busy and don’t forget.

One last point: busy is a choice—even if you’re a single mom. I’m a dad. I have my kid half the time. I get it. But you have to make time if dating is important to you. A lot of moms may feel that society will judge them for getting a babysitter, going out, and/or having a relationship, but that’s all bullshit.

As long as you love your kids and spend quality time with them, they’ll be fine and love you in return. Being in a relationship is important. We all have needs—not just sexual, but emotional. And you’re not doing anyone—you or your kids—any favors by neglecting those needs.

So hire a damn babysitter or take the kids to the grandparent’s house. Trust me, it’ll be fine.

***

When they interview people in their 70’s and 80’s about what they wanted more in life, you know what they say?

Love. More love.

Unfortunately, that’s not what our society prioritizes. We prioritize working and making money and fitting in, and I’m telling you ladies, it’s a trap. Because you can’t take the money with you, and life is a finite and fragile thing.

Maybe you’ve got tons of dudes DMing you to go out, but you just don’t want to date or you want to focus on work or pay off debt or whatever… just remember that the first part—tons of dudes DMing you—isn’t permanent. In fact, at some point it will go away. Entirely.

Sorry, but that’s the honest truth.

So I guess the final point would be to keep that in mind. It’s really easy to go through life believing that tomorrow will be just as good or better than today, but at some point that ceases to be true. And at the end, when you reflect on it all, what will you remember most fondly and wish you’d done more of?

Love.

Much love, and good luck out there.

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2 comments

  1. Gotta love being a single lady who makes over 70k (not much on the coasts) and owns a home 🙂 25 so not a spinster yet. Education is important…it’s easier to be attractive to someone when the prospect of you being instantly dependent on them is missing.
    Cheers

    1. Holy cow–making 75k at 25? Nice work!

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