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5 mantras for singles who don’t want to be… single.

Disclaimer: all of what I’m about to say below is advice I’ve taken myself. And it works. 

What follows are actions you can take that I guarantee will improve your love-life, but it’s going to take a change in strategy, mindset, expectations, and likely, lifestyle. 

So for those who dare, here we go…

1) Get fit.

People are shallow.

Men like beautiful women.

Women like handsome men.

Because: evolution. If you find this idea offensive, you probably shouldn’t read my blog.

Indeed, the greatest irony about people who say they want to be liked for their personality is that they DON’T themselves seek out partners of the opposite sex for their personality–otherwise they’d be in a relationship.

Because the truth is there are a lot of lovely, unique people out there who are kind and decent. Attractiveness, on the other hand, is scarce—and remember: true desire cannot be negotiated.

Anyway, I won’t belabor the point: be the best, hottest version of you. If you follow me on Insta of FB you know I have a few ideas on how to do that. #keto

2) Be realistic.

Grab your phone, take an unedited selfie with no filters, then go on hotornot.com and post it. Then view the results.

Kidding.

Well, sort of. You don’t actually have to do that, but the point is to have a realistic assessment of how attractive you are. Because if you expect Brad Pitt then you better look like Angelina (and vice versa), and remember, you’re not your Snap or Insta profile nor all the slobbery comments on there telling you how pretty you are—you’re a flesh and blood human being and at some point in dating and finding a relationship that’s going to matter.

Also, remember that every qualification or non-negotiable you have for a potential partner reduces the number of people in your dating pool.

Ladies, want a man six feet and over? Only 20% of men are.

Guys, want a woman who’s never been married and doesn’t have kids? There are less of those out there than you think, especially the older you get.

Swipe left if he has a fish pic in his bio? Gents, do you do the same if you see a purse dog?

Well a lot of guys like fishing (including yours truly), and dudes… some women like themselves those little dogs.

So when it comes to lifestyle, make sure what you’re asking for is truly important, and as for non-negotiables, the fewer the better.

3) High quality people are rare and/or have options; act accordingly.

Disclaimer: I’m going to split this into two parts–ladies first, then the boys.

Ladies, I’ve got bad news: there aren’t that many awesome dudes out there who are single. There just aren’t.

Worse, this generation of men are sorely lacking in game. Most men will not pass your shit tests, they’ll text you too much, and they’ll be way too passive and ingratiating… I know, I know: super annoying–I’m trying to help, but we can’t just snap our fingers and expect that it will change overnight.

The tragedy is it’s not even their fault: society has told them to be this way. Actually, sometimes women tell them to be this way.

So in the spirit of keeping this short and sweet, I’ll make two observations:

A) If you come across a high quality man, get him. Don’t flake out. Don’t get shy. Don’t blow it. You DO NOT get infinite chances with these types of guys—because we have options.

Quick story: about a month ago I had an amazing date with a very attractive woman. Fantastic conversation, great connection, and we ended up making out after I walked her to her car. We were supposed to go out again… but she flaked.

OK, no worries, shit happens, so we set up another date.

And she flakes again.

Fast forward a week and she texts me on a Friday night: hey what are you doing 😉 ?

Me: I’m on a date.

And that was that.

B) Keep your shit testing to a minimum. If you like a guy, don’t fuck with him too much or play games. Because the problem is a lot of guys will think you aren’t interested—or conversely, they’ll freak out and start sending text after text after text and at some point end up ruining whatever connection the two of you had by looking like a needy bitch/freak.

Now, contrary to what most women believe, he’s probably not (well, he may be kind of a needy bitch–but at the same time be a perfectly good guy otherwise).

No, the truth is that he probably just really likes you and is excited to spend more time with you and when you don’t text him back he gets sad and then you still don’t text him back so he gets sadder, and pretty soon that sadness turns into anger and he freaks out because we don’t do a good job teaching men in our society how to deal with our emotions.

That’s a bad dynamic—not a bad person.

I know plenty of awesome guys who are handsome and successful who’ve done that exact thing above. Hell, it’s something I did once or twice before I drowned my feelings under the bridge like a bag of unwanted kittens.

Men:

Beautiful women have so many options it’s stupid.

Seriously, if you have an attractive female friend, ask to see her DMs and dating apps. It’s fucking nuts how many matches these ladies get along with an absolute boatload of male attention–much of it unwanted mind you, but there nonetheless.

The point is: you’re not the only one she’s talking to, and there’s a good chance that if she’s ignoring you, it’s because A) she forgot, or B) what you texted her didn’t stand out or require a response.

What does this mean? It means you need to do the same thing. Don’t get oneitis and focus on only one woman–be dating several so that you have options. Also understand that you’ll be flaked on, ghosted, shit tested, etc. as you go on this journey. Don’t take it personal, because it’s not: it’s a function of the fact that many of today’s women get more attention than they know how to deal with, and our society is flaky AF.

Which brings me to the next point:

4) Communicate like an adult.

This is something both sexes need to work on.

Don’t wait eight days to text someone back. Reply to DMs—even if it’s only to say you aren’t interested. And if they call, answer the damn phone.

Obviously all of this happens on a sliding scale from the first interaction (less communication) to the point where you’re in a relationship (daily communication), but ghosting, poor communication skills, flaking, and a lack of honesty just makes for a mess.

In other words: if you value good communication, be a good communicator yourself.

5) Passive people don’t get what they want, and busy people are, well, busy.

On social media the other day I saw something to this effect: “being single doesn’t mean no one wants you; it means God is still writing your love story,” which caused me to throw up in my mouth a little.

And then I was just sad.

Because our society tells people, particularly women, in nearly every way possible–whether it’s the Disney Princess stories, the RomComs, the romance novels, or just the small bullshit phrases people say all the time like “the right one will come along,” “he’s not good enough for you anyway,” “it’ll happen when you least expect it”, etc.–that it’s basically it’s OK to do nothing and some day, by some obscure work of fucking magic the perfect man will show up and sweep you off your feet.

Sorry, I’m calling bullshit.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hopeful or excited for that next date or have high expectations, but there’s no guarantee Dr. Squarejaw Responsiblemuscles is just going to waltz into your life and whisk you off to get married on a private resort in Hawaii. That shit just doesn’t happen—and if it does, it’s probably because: A) the girl deserved him (keep in mind that might just mean being real pretty–life’s not fair), and B) she didn’t blow it.

And that’s the point: people who get the things they want in life either deserve and/or work hard to get them. They make an effort. They try. And they take advantage of every opportunity they’re presented.

The good news is that—assuming you have reasonable expectations (see mantra #2)—your guy or gal is out there.

But you’re not going to meet him or her on your couch watching Netflix, nor if you’re so busy with kids and/or working you have no time to go out—and I hate to break it to you, but probably not on SOD either. Only 13% of people who use dating apps get married, and over 50% of all matches result in 1-2 dates… at most.

Plus with SOD there’s a bit of a trap in that it tends to become people’s social life, rather than having a social life IRL and meeting people that way.

Anyway, as I’ve pointed out several times, aggressive women get the men they want because they have virtually no competition. I can tell you that as a dude, if an attractive woman makes it clear she’s interested and is a good communicator, it’s not an issue of if, but when.

And guys–learn MIRL aka cold approach. What the hell are you waiting for?

One last point: busy is a choice—even if you’re a single mom or dad.

I’m a dad. I have my kid half the time. I get it. But you have to make time if dating is important to you. A lot of single parents–especially moms–may feel that society will judge them for getting a babysitter, going out, and/or having a relationship, but that’s all bullshit.

As long as you love your kids and spend quality time with them, they’ll be fine and love you in return. Being in a relationship is important. We all have needs—not just sexual, but emotional. And you’re not doing anyone—you or your kids—any favors by neglecting those needs.

So hire a damn babysitter or take the kids to the grandparent’s house. Trust me, it’ll be fine.

***

When they interview people in their 70’s and 80’s about what they wanted more in life, you know what they say?

Love. More love.

Unfortunately, that’s not what our society prioritizes. We prioritize working and making money and fitting in, and I’m telling you ladies and gents, it’s a trap. Because you can’t take the money with you, and life is a finite and fragile thing.

Sorry, but that’s the honest truth.

So I guess the final point would be to keep that in mind. It’s really easy to go through life believing that tomorrow will be just as good or better than today, but at some point that ceases to be true. And at the end, when you reflect on it all, what will you remember most fondly and wish you’d done more of?

Love.

Much love, and good luck out there.

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2 comments

  1. Gotta love being a single lady who makes over 70k (not much on the coasts) and owns a home 🙂 25 so not a spinster yet. Education is important…it’s easier to be attractive to someone when the prospect of you being instantly dependent on them is missing.
    Cheers

    1. Holy cow–making 75k at 25? Nice work!

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