It’s been awhile since the last manchild post so I wanted to drop a few thoughts and observations from the past month or so of my journey in the strange, strange world of modern dating.
First: I’ve completely abandoned SOD (swipe/online dating) and I couldn’t be happier. Yes, I don’t get the silly instant gratification of matching with someone and there was a time I didn’t have guaranteed dates on a certain weekends…
But that time has now passed.
Please understand: I’m not a player (I just crush a lot–sorry, it was there I had to take it). But honestly, half the time I don’t get the number of the woman I’ve approached, and then, as we’ll get to later, plenty of those who do give me their number flake out before the first date. Also, I don’t have a steady girlfriend. I’m still looking for [special one] (that’s a George Saunders reference for you literary nerds). But what do I know with absolute certainty is that if I continue doing what I’m doing it’s only a matter of time before I meet her.
Disclaimer: use common sense–there are certain situations where it’s not appropriate to use cold approach. At the gym, at work (especially waitresses and bartenders–who get hit on all the time), when people are with their family or children, etc.
Gentlemen (and ladies?), I cannot stress this enough: you must learn cold approach–the art of talking to a random woman on the street, in a coffee shop or a bar or some other social setting. Not only is it more fun than mindlessly swiping through dating apps, but the results are better in the long run and your game will improve exponentially along the way.
The superficial benefit of cold approach is that the women I meet are far more attractive than what I matched with SOD–because I’m choosing them, as opposed to waiting at the mercy of the squirrely female swiper (a CNN article recently confirmed what I’ve known and told you, dear reader, for awhile, which is that people have unbelievably unrealistic expectations SOD; the average swiper selects matches 25% more attractive than what they bring to the table). Also, an attractive woman will have literally 50 to 60 matches or more on her apps, meaning that even if we match it’s a crap shoot as to whether or not I can get her attention. With cold approach I at least have a chance.
And it’s a better chance.
Why? Because in doing cold approach I’m constantly improving my conversational skills, my ability to flirt, my ability to pass shit tests (more on this later), etc. In short, I’m far more confident, sexy, and entertaining, and women respond to that. And I immediately set myself apart from the guy swiping through Bumble or Tinder, because I’m not a profile–I’m a person.
In other words, every day my game is getting stronger, as opposed to the stagnation, anxiety, and bullshit we’ve all experienced SOD. What’s actually been really interesting and somewhat surprising is that in the last four weeks I’ve had more women approach and hit on me than in the entire rest of my life. I don’t know how the ladies sense it, but they do (I should say, being keto hasn’t hurt).
As for methodology, the first piece I wrote on how to meet women IRL is pretty solid, but there are a ton of resources online. I like James Marshall’s stuff the best, but that’s because I have a more direct, natural style, which is what he advocates. My advice would be to do some research and find what works best for you–sign up for the email list or follow me on social media and we can chat more if you have specific questions.
At this point I’ll address the elephant in the room–some people have an extremely negative perception of cold approach. They think it’s rude or misogynistic or socially awkward or whatever, and that’s just total bullshit. Let’s make a few things perfectly clear:
- Anyone has the right to talk to anyone else in this country–that person can then choose not to listen to or like that person, but it’s not a crime to talk to people. #FirstAmendment
- I’m not a pick-up artist or a player or a fuckboi–I just don’t want to meet women on fucking Tinder. Fair? And in our society, that means I need to learn how to talk to women IRL.
- Cold approach is not misogynistic. It’s actually the opposite, because if I’m doing the approach right I express intent clearly in a non-threatening way, show the woman a little about who I am as well as finding out about her, and then at that point, she has a decision to make: does she like me enough to give me a chance, or not? A lot of girls don’t give me their number–and that’s fine–I just thank them for their time, wish them a nice day, and move on.
- Most women appreciate it. Because: A) I had the confidence to talk to them directly, and for a lot of women–even very attractive women–that doesn’t happen as often as you might expect, and B) at the very least, they get some male validation affirming they’re attractive–and don’t pretend that shit isn’t important ladies: we’ve all seen your selfies on Insta. Like, even women who weren’t interested and didn’t give me their number have thanked me for hitting on them.
- Having strong game makes everything more fun for everyone. The women I talk to feel excited and sexy, I feel confident and entertaining, and instead of escalating the way most guys do–awkwardly and lacking conviction–things happen the way they’re supposed to naturally. It’s by no means perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than what I was doing before.
So please don’t come at me with any of that bullshit about approaching women IRL being weird or sleazy, because it’s way sleazier to sit in the darkness behind a screen swiping like mad and meeting people through your phone than having the confidence to have an honest conversation with the beautiful darlin’ I meet at the coffee shop.
If you haven’t noticed, we’re leading the IRL revolution here at ChuckingRocks.
Strangely enough, what’s also funny is that a certain percentage of women I meet through cold approach initially reject my advances or flake after we exchange numbers…
Only to come back later.
Again gents, this is the power of cold approach–women simply DO NOT meet a whole lot of guys who have the game to do it, and even though some of them balk at first, they’ll realize it later–like shit: that was a handsome, confident man I just flaked on. Oops!
And some of them comeback.
So guys: always be a respectful gentleman and never burn those bridges. Because who knows–maybe that hottie who rejected you one week zombies back the next? And it’s always good to have options.
FLAKING AND BLOWING IT
Ladies, here’s where we get to the part that concerns you. I’m sure a lot of dudes do what I’m about to describe as well, but keep in mind all I can speak to is my experience, and that is as a man pursuing women.
Allow me to begin with an apology–actually two. First: y’all are right. 100% right. There ARE NOT a lot of good guys out there who are attractive, have their shit together, and possess strong game.
And yet I’ve found, inevitably, that a significant portion of the women I meet just blow it–about half–and this happened just as much with SOD vs. cold approach, so it’s not the method. Nor is it me, since half the women I meet don’t blow it–and in either case I’m the same person, so their reaction is independent of the man.
Everyone should keep in mind: in the world of modern dating, you will certainly get rejected, flaked on, treated poorly, etc. That’s just the reality. It sucks, but remember: if you’re doing it right it’s not you. It’s them.
Anyway, the women who blow it play games texting, shit test* me to the point where I lose interest, flake on dates, etc. Here’s where the second apology comes in: I once said single moms were more difficult to date than women who don’t have children… I’m not so sure that’s true anymore–or at least, it’s less true than it I thought. My apologies mamacitas!
*(A shit test is when a woman questions a man’s worth, throws up an unnecessary barrier to moving forward, and/or otherwise suggests he is low status or unworthy or has undesirable qualities and/or interests.
Classic shit tests: waiting several days to text back or confirm a date or saying she hates something you like–say Star Wars or baseball.
My theory is that shit tests are almost instinctual, but that’s immaterial. I also understand why the shit text exists: to screen out low quality men who lack confidence and fortitude.
All you need to know guys is just don’t freak out and hold your ground: if you like Star Wars, say something to the effect of, “too bad–guess I’ll have to take someone else to see it.” As for texting, a good rule of thumb is to reply no sooner than she replied to you–and no more in terms of length. Or you can just call out the game with an air of disappointment, like, “really, I thought you were too smart to play games?”)
However, understand this ladies: the guy you want–the “good” high-quality man you correctly say there aren’t enough of–has options. I think this is difficult for a lot of women to understand because most guys have so few options she can fuck around and play games and do whatever she wants and the guy’s still going to be there like a puppy dog waiting for someone to throw the ball again.
But that doesn’t apply to the high quality “good” guy. He’s not going to wait around. I certainly don’t–I don’t have to: I have options. There are other women in my life, and I know I can meet more women any day I want to. All it takes is stepping out the front door. And I’m not saying I’m that guy for all women, or even most women–but I’ve had women who I guarantee cannot do better flake or blow it… don’t worry, I won’t name names (actually, my assumption is that most of the girls in this category are low-value people who don’t read, so it probably doesn’t even matter).
Understand further ladies that the guys you meet SOD almost universally DO NOT HAVE STRONG GAME. How do I know? Because if they had strong game they wouldn’t need to meet women online. So go ahead and keep swiping, just know that most guys you match with are going to do the same awkward bullshit he seen on RomComs that you find secretly annoying (job interview questions at dinner, then waiting for a kiss at the end of the date, and always, always asking for permission to do anything–not because he’s being polite, but because he lacks the courage and conviction to go for what he wants). That or he’s a fuckboi.
So I guess my point is that if and when you meet this guy–Carrie’s Mr. Big or Toula’s Ian (yes, I’ve studied)–don’t fuck around and blow it. Instead: get him. Text him back before a week goes by (that makes your chances worse btw, not better). Don’t flake on the date. Don’t make yourself so busy and unavailable you can’t hang out. Because there’s an expiration date on your chance with that dude; at some point, he’s going to move on, with or without you.
And as you ladies say correctly: there just aren’t enough good guys out there.
AGGRESSIVE GIRLS WIN
As I mentioned earlier, more women have been cold approaching me lately for whatever reason, and they almost always get my number or connect with me on social media. That isn’t to say I’m going to pursue all of them, but at least they have a chance, right? Furthermore, the actual experience for both of us is quite pleasant–they introduce themselves, we chat, exchange info, yada yada yada.
I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s really no risk as a woman making the move (obviously within reason–Halsey is smokin’ hot, but I’m not DMing her on Insta, cause I am so not on her level). As I pointed out in an earlier post about how women can improve their chances IRL, it’s super rare that a guy is going to be anything less than polite if you approach him. For guys it’s flattering, and unlike with women, where there’s a certain social stigma exchanging numbers with a random dude (which is wrong–it’s the same thing as slut shaming), no one cares if I give my number to a girl. I just look cool. Like seriously, the last time it happened several customers gave me a thumbs up as I walked out of the tea shop. So for those ladies who’ve approached me: thanks!
I cannot stress this enough: be more aggressive ladies! I was at a house party recently and though our host wasn’t necessarily any more beautiful than most of the other women in attendance (although she’s certainly an attractive woman), she was aggressive, flirty, fun, and I have to say, it was a turn on–if she hadn’t had a boyfriend, I definitely would’ve made a move. But she did have a boyfriend, because of course she does… she’s aggressive.
Much love my people! As always, if you have input, sign up for the email list or get hold of me some other way and write a guest post–even if you totally disagree with me or want to tell me I’m a pompous ass. This is especially true for the ladies–and I would absolutely love to hear what it’s like being gay, or bi, or trans, etc. I can only give you my perspective as a man seeking women, but here at ChuckingRocks, all truthful, honest perspectives are welcome!
In the meantime, cheers–and good luck out there!