A viewer/listener of the podcast on why women desire power and men desire beauty when it comes to attraction had some pretty harsh criticism for me the other day, which was good. My hope in putting this stuff out there is that it gets people to think and discuss and analyze how they can live their best life.
That’s why we’re leading the IRL revolution here at ChuckingRocks: this is a blog/podcast that helps people improve their lives by looking at how things actually work, and with that in mind, what actions people can take to achieve their goals, whether that’s in relationships, fitness, wellness, business, etc.
So absolutely–if you have feedback, please send it my way and I’ll be happy to read and respond to any questions or comments I get on the next podcast.
However, I want to be really clear about my purpose: I’m not going to bullshit or lie to you. ChuckingRocks is not a place where we’re going to indulge in lazy or wishful thinking, because that doesn’t help anyone; indeed, I’d argue that many, if not most Americans–maybe even most humans on the planet–are going to live subpar, unhappy lives because they’re unwilling to acknowledge hard truths, don’t want to put in the work to change course, and/or expect others to change instead of changing themselves.
That’s the dirty secret right? It’s not that we don’t know what to do or that we don’t want to change or that we don’t possess the knowledge. It’s that the doing, the transformation, the action–is hard.
If it was easy, everyone would do it.
Like, I can tell you why swipe dating (SOD) doesn’t work for most people, but the reality of it is that because most people are lazy, addicted to their phones, and lack social skills, they’ll go on swiping. And women will wonder why Chad doesn’t settle down, and men will wonder why they never match with women they find attractive–even though I’ve already told them why–and they’ll go on swiping hoping that someday, somehow, things will be different and they’ll find their unicorn.
But the vast majority won’t. Because as Einstein said famously, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
And that’s the message for today. What I’m going to recommend people do to change their lives on this blog/podcast is going to be anything but ordinary. It will be unconventional, cutting-edge, scientific, rational…and often times, hard.
If it were easy, everyone would do it.
And that’s what’s hard about the feedback. I want to state here and now, that I think this listener meant well–she’s a good person and I imagine she was reacting to the fact I laid out some pretty harsh truths in the last podcast. But she basically said I was wrong because I am a white male, even though I’m simply citing how evolutionary biology affects sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with race, and anyone–a black woman for instance–would have said the same thing I said assuming they were being intellectually honest.
It’s also interesting, ironic, and frustrating to see people who claim to be liberal and/or are fighting for social justice embrace racism. If you’re judging what someone has to say based on the identity of the speaker rather than the content of their words, you’re missing the point–and also, literally failing the MLK test (“I have a dream…”). It shouldn’t matter that I’m white, and if you think it does, would you be OK with someone disregarding what a black person says because they’re black? I should hope not.
Additionally, this person also engaged in wishful thinking, arguing that we are now moving into an era when people are becoming sapiosexual, which means that people are attracted to intelligence more so than looks…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That’s fucking hilarious!
In an age when dating apps are the rule, everyone’s constantly posting pictures to Instagram and scrolling through social media, fewer and fewer people read books (especially young people), ghosting people is considered acceptable behavior, and people flaking out–whether friends or dates–has to be accounted for in how one should plan their weekend? What an absolute laugh! We’re more shallow now than we’ve ever been!
In all honesty tohhere’s the thing: I wish that weren’t true. I wish people were attracted to intelligence. I wish people read books instead of becoming addicts to their phone. I wish people were a little more thoughtful and introspective when it comes to dating and relationships. But they’re not, they don’t, and they won’t. No woman has ever wanted to date me because I’ve written two novels, blogged for 10+ years, and read a book or two a month since I’ve been in high school.
Of course it’s useful to be smart–to have that knowledge, because it makes me a pretty interesting date at the very least–but the status of having it doesn’t matter. If it helps me spark attraction because I can use it to be funny or sexy or make her feel sexy or whatever, then in that sense, sure, being intelligent is a good thing.
But no one is going to fall in love–feel that intense sexual attraction and desire–for another person simply because they’re really smart. If that intelligence means they have wealth or status, those are forms of power, and that might spark attraction for some women. Similarly, if that intelligence means a woman is warm, inviting, engaging, compassionate, and kind–that’s a form of beauty, and some men will find that attractive (this is what’s missing from many women I date). Otherwise, it’s immaterial, and speaks nothing to the physical aspect of power or beauty we’re biologically geared to find attractive.
I know this is true based on my own experience: when I weighed above 285, it was very hard to meet women I was attracted to or get dates. Because I was a fat ass. And though I’ve surely grown in experience and intelligence since that time, it would be a stretch to say I’m significantly more intelligent today than I was at the beginning of 2017 when I weighed that much. So me being me–an intelligent, kind, decent man who loves to cook and likes long walks on the beach–didn’t work.
Becoming more physically attractive and increasing my social skills. Adopting a ketogenic diet. I began lifting heavy weights and doing high intensity training. I started talking to strangers–yes, women I found attractive, but also anyone I happened to meet–in coffee shops, bars, restaurants, at the gym, because I reasoned that improving my conversation skills would help me both in terms of meeting women IRL and going on dates, even if that meant chatting up old ladies at the grocery store.
In short, taking specific actions to increase my attractiveness to the women as well as expanding my chances to meet them. In addition to that, I also eliminated what turned out to be a huge time-wasting distraction: SOD.
I guess in some ways you could say I applied the 80/20 rule, focusing on those factors that would make me more attractive to women and help me meet them, while disregarding the stuff that only had a small effect on the results or didn’t help at all.
And you know what? It wasn’t easy. Giving up carbs, never eating bread or dessert, making sure I got in the gym twice a week, doing stair sprints, getting the guts up to talk to complete strangers each and every day–none of these things were easy. They were hard. And though they’re easier now, it’s still no walk in the park.
But you know what? It worked. I mean, I’m not in a long term relationship yet (though I did have a girlfriend recently), but I have a couple dates every week on average and I have no issue meeting women I’m attracted to.
You know what wouldn’t have worked? Continuing to swipe away on Bumble, eating a bunch of carbs and sugar, spinning away on the elliptical machine, and hoping that somewhere out there was a girl who would love me because she saw how special I was and loved me without regard for my appearance or ambition.
But you know what–that’s the easier path, and because it’s easier, it’s the path most people will take. They’d rather believe in a comfortable lie than an uncomfortable truth, ask others people to change instead of changing themselves, and hold out hope that somehow, someway, doing the same thing over and over will yield a different result.
I’ll be honest: if that’s you, this blog/podcast isn’t going to help you. In fact, nothing will. Because improving one’s life requires taking personal responsibility for our circumstances and taking targeted, often difficult actions in order to change those circumstances. And the fact is, for the reasons I’ve listed above, most people can’t do that.
Because if it was easy, everyone would do it.
The silver lining is that if you can muster the will to change, it’s never paid off more, because the vast majority of people refuse to do so. For example, because so few guys are able to talk to women IRL these days, I have a massive advantage in terms of standing out when I do.
So again, the purpose of this blog/podcast is to help people improve their lives. I base my advice and material on science, reason, logic, along with the work of experts, researchers, journalists, and other producers of relevant content. That doesn’t mean I’m always right or that I have all the answers, but I’m certainly NOT going to dish out a bunch of feel-good bullshit or indulge in lazy/wishful thinking.
Because that doesn’t work.
What does work is taking smart, targeted action toward accomplishing our goals or bettering our circumstances.
It’s hard work, but if it was easy, everyone would do it.