A few powerful ideas I’ve learned while being single in the modern world of dating…
1) Genuine desire is non-negotiable.
I didn’t say this—it actually comes from a guy named Rollo Tomassi, who wrote the Rational Male, a book about the dynamics of male/female relationships. I don’t agree with all of his beliefs, but this one strikes me as deeply true.
Think about it this way: if you’re not physically attracted to someone, is there anything that person or anyone else can say or do that would make you want to get physically intimate (you know like kissing, making out, having sex) with them?
No. There’s not.
That’s not to say desire can’t be manipulated, but if it doesn’t exist in the first place it’s never going to (unless something changes radically), and no one can change that fact.
This is important in dating because a lot of people spend time spinning their wheels trying to persuade someone to be attracted to them, which is an impossible task. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if someone’s not interested, you should just move on because you’re not going to convince them otherwise.
Waste. Of. Time.
2) Most people are single because of one or more of the following things: they’re too picky, too passive, or too busy.
This is especially true of people who are single for long periods of time.
For men, it’s usually being too passive or picky. Usually passive.
A huge majority of guys today have very little game and almost no inclination to use what little they have, which is why women push back against my position on SOD (swipe/online dating), pointing out that if they didn’t engage in SOD, they’d never meet anyone, which is probably somewhat true.
(They might also not get away with swiping on their phone on the couch if guys weren’t lining up like tools to validate their beauty on SOD, but then, we’ll get to that…)
The problem is that for these passive dudes, getting a girl on a date isn’t likely to matter because he’s not going to know what to do on said date and his lack of confidence is going to come across as a huge turnoff.
So guys, read the link above, get off SOD, and learn how to talk to women. Confidence is sexy. Passiveness is a turn off. And the latter is likely why you’re single.
Quick Point: I’m all for pursuing women IRL, but there’s a few places you probably shouldn’t.
- At work, and you work together. I’m not going to explain why.
- At work, and she’s busy. Waitresses get this all the time, but seriously: if she’s cute, working in a public space, do you not think every other asshole has thought to ask for her number before? They have. And have. So don’t, unless you’re getting crazy signals from her–and this doesn’t include her being nice to you. Cause that’s her MFing job.
- At the gym. Dude, she’s there to work out, not have your sweaty ass leer at her. Even if she finds you attractive, she probably doesn’t feel like getting hit on because she’s sweaty too and it’s an awkward situation. Just don’t.
- She’s with her family or kids. I’m not going to explain why.
- She has headphones on. This is a signal she doesn’t want to be bothered. So don’t.
OK, back to the post…
For women, singledom is almost always rooted in being too picky.
Yes, women also tend to be passive, and some are extremely busy, but for women who are regularly single, it’s likely there’s a divergence between the sort of man they expect to attract and the sort of man they can actually attract.
Part of this is that women are naturally picky, because they have to be. In evolutionary terms, women have a lot more to commit to than a man does: nine months of pregnancy and then the raising and rearing of that child.
However, the tendency for women to be picky in modern times has been greatly exacerbated by the internet, social media, and SOD. You see, on these platforms women are inundated by validation, whether it’s a photo they post on Insta or the number of men they match with on SOD. This leads to an inflated sense of SMV (sexual market value) and consequently, a heightened screening process when it comes to dating.
So ladies, take note: if you’re single in the long run, you should probably adjust your expectations. That or resign yourself to being single.
The humane society is always looking for people who want to adopt more cats.
Think I’m wrong? HA!
3) People have a hard time taking personal responsibility for failure in general, but this is especially true when it comes to dating and relationships.
If your position on dating is that you’re unlucky, life is unfair, all men are assholes or all women are gold-diggers or whatever, then you’re going to have a tough time breaking out of that cycle and are likely to be single for a long time to come.
It’s not that those things aren’t true. Luck does matter. Life is unfair. Some men are assholes and some women are gold-diggers. All of those things are true.
The problem is that none of us can do anything about it. Go back to the first point: genuine desire is non-negotiable. I can’t convince someone to like me, and no amount of resentment or bitching about life being unfair is going to change that.
The point here is that all you can control is what you’re going to do. What are you doing that’s preventing you from finding a relationship?
If you’re a guy… are you too passive? Is your game on point? Are you expecting to date a super hottie? Do you have a mission and life goals that women are going to find interesting and admirable, or do you mostly smoke pot, play fantasy sports, and buy video games? Do you have your “shit” together (which is female code for: are you financially successful–very important)?
If you’re a woman… are you so busy you can’t find time to date? Are you being too picky (a good indication is if you complain regularly that there aren’t any good guys out there)? Do you pass up on opportunities to meet men when they present themselves? Do you flake out on dates for no good reason or over analyze everything about a man after you’ve researched him online as if he was going to be the next Justice on the Supreme Court?
And both sexes should ask themselves if they’re taking care of themselves i.e. in good shape, etc.
Focus on answering those questions.
The only thing you can control is who you are and what you do. Don’t worry about the rest of it. If you’re doing the right things, you won’t be single for long, and if you’re not, no amount of complaining is going to help until you fix them.
Oh, and remember this for the people who pass on you: the correct reaction isn’t anger or resentment. It’s pity. I honestly feel sorry for women who flake on me–and in dating that’s going to happen. People flake.
But I feel sorry for them when they do. It’s their loss. I fucking rock. And now some other girl is going to experience my awesomeness instead of them. Not every opportunity is missed, but every missed opportunity is.
So if they pass, who cares? It’s their loss, not yours.
4) The idea that abstaining from sex is valuable or moral is an outdated product of patriarchal, misogynistic societies.
I’m not saying go out there and sleep with everyone you meet or do anything you’re uncomfortable with. But understand that holding out, withholding sex, etc., isn’t going to make your life or relationships any better. All it means is you’re not having sex, which isn’t a value statement—it just is what it is.
I guess what I’d say is that if you want to have sex with someone, have sex with them.
If not, don’t.
But the choice is not a moral one and it doesn’t have any bearing on how good of a human you are (I’m pretty sure God doesn’t give a shit, and if you’re a Christian, remember: every sin is the same technically speaking); that’s simply how past societies have tried to control sexuality—particularly female sexuality.
Allow me to be blunt: women who have sex with men but don’t expect a relationship or some exchange of favors from said man aren’t sluts or bad girls. They’re just women who are comfortable with their sexuality and have desires like we all do. Any belief otherwise is misogynistic and anti-feminist–and frankly, I have no tolerance for it.
Again: abstaining from sex doesn’t make you more desirable as a partner. You aren’t gaining experience or value points through abstinence. You’re actually losing them. Take what you want with you in the bedroom, but I’ll take experience.
Aside from that, getting laid is fun and builds confidence. And who doesn’t like that?
PSA: wrap that shit up!
5) Dating and seduction are a story. There is no story in online dating.
When I approach a woman at a coffee shop, there’s a story: what did I say? What did we talk about? What season was it? What was the weather like? What was her impression—my impression? Was there chemistry? Did we exchange numbers, or was it a longer seduction?
The alternative is we both swiped right, exchanged in a vapid, commonplace text conversation, and then met for a date. Now maybe on the date a story takes shape, but to that point you’re both commodities—avatars of people, not real ones.
This is one of the many reasons I’m not a fan of SOD. There’s no genuine connection and let’s just be honest: if you’re the dude and the woman is remotely attractive, you just happened to be the lucky one she chose out of the ridiculous number of matches she gets on a regular basis.
Side note: guys, seriously, get the fuck out of there. It’s so bad. So bad. If you learn to approach women IRL the girls you date will be so much hotter and higher quality than what you’re matching with. Now get the fuck out of there, grow a pair, and learn that shit. Sign up for the email list and get in touch with me personally if you want help.
It’s a brand new world my friends.
Final Caveat: it’s likely some of you see me as being sort of cutthroat and surface level about all of this, and I want to put that to bed.
I’m not saying personality doesn’t matter. It does. In fact, where SMV and hypergamy determine how people hook up, personality and character determine whether or not the relationship lasts.
In that sense, we’re all much better off to find someone we truly connect with over more superficial values. And I know, because I’ve been in a marriage that didn’t work. Yes, we lined up on paper, but we most certainly didn’t line up on values.
In the end that’s why it didn’t work.
So while I think it’s important to keep hypergamy and SMV in mind when dating, it’s not the end all be all. In an ideal world, beauty and status should matter less and personality more.