Readers have been reaching out after the original post saying, “hey, good stuff—but where and how do I meet guys? We need specifics!”
Ask and ye shall receive ladies: here are 10 things you can do to attract and meet more quality men IRL.
1) Be available: positioning, seating, closeness
I wrote in the first post about the need to simply get out of the house and be available—let’s expand upon that.
Big picture—be aware of your physical surroundings. Ask yourself this question: if a man found me attractive, could he approach me where I’m sitting/standing? If he can’t (like when you’re at home watching Netflix or at your girlfriend’s house drinking wine—wink, wink), he won’t.
So what does that look like?
- Sit at the bar instead of a table.
- If you are sitting at a table, make sure there’s an empty chair or that you’re sitting on the aisle.
- If there’s a man you’re attracted to, sit or stand near him. Get closer to him physically. Use any excuse. The other day I wanted to talk to a female bartender but there wasn’t a spot at the bar. As soon as one opened up, I grabbed my drink and sat down at the open spot, saying, “it’s just so much more fun to sit at the bar.” Then I got her number.
I cannot tell you how often it is that I’m in a bar or coffee shop and there’s a cute girl sitting in a place where there’s no way I can talk to her. If that’s on purpose, fine. But if you’re going out to meet men or open to the idea, be somewhere a guy can actually talk to you.
Also, get used to going out alone.
Seriously it’s fine. I go out alone all the time and no one cares, nor do I when I see a woman out by herself. It’s actually a signal: this person is alone but has chosen to come to a social place, which means they’re probably willing to strike up a conversation. Just make sure to give yourself something to do.
For example, I go to bars or coffee shops or tap houses to write, but if there’s an attractive woman I want to talk to, I will (just as soon as I’m done posting the blog). So bring your computer along to catch up on emails, take a book to read (like Cherry City Pulp, for example), bring some artwork or a craft your working on, etc.
Not only does this give you something to keep you occupied so you don’t look like a weirdo, it’s also a prop someone can use to open a conversation, as in: “Hey, what’s that you’re knitting—my mother used to make scarves for us when I was a kid…”
Oh and this should go without saying, but unless you absolutely don’t want to meet someone, ditch the headphones.
2) GIVE OUT YOUR NUMBER!
This happens all the time. I open on a woman, chat her up, get involved in an interesting conversation, but as it comes to it’s natural conclusion, there’s not always a great way for me to ask for her number without being awkward, especially if it’s a group of women and it’s awkward to ask for only one number and equally awkward to ask for more than one (something I’m still working on). And trust me ladies, I’m pretty aggressive. Many guys will muster the courage to engage, but then lack the forwardness to ask for your number.
Here’s where you come in: give it to them.
No guy who is not married or taken will say no. That doesn’t mean he’ll call for sure, but he’s not going to refuse or be rude about it, because that’s embarrassing and awkward.
It could be as simple as, “well hey, if you’re coming down here again sometime give me a call—I might even let you buy me a beer,” (playful) or “hey, if you need a ski buddy I’m down,” (common interest) or more direct, “I enjoyed talking to you—text me if you want to grab coffee sometime.” And then you give him your phone number. Or if that’s too intimate, give him your SnapChat or Facebook or Twitter or Intsa handle. Email works too.
Should he have enough game to get the number? Yes (probably—I’m always pissed at myself when I fail at this). But if he stumbles on that last part you can help him out, and if he’s a quality guy, what’s the harm?
He doesn’t call? Who cares. It’s his loss.
3) Where to go
As I mentioned, coffee shops, bars, restaurants, parks—anywhere people go to work and/or hang out.
One tip ladies: if you’re not going to tap houses and breweries you’re not doing it right. There are always men drinking beer at these places, and as a guy who’s gone on Tuesdays or even Mondays, they’re not losers just because they’re having a beer during the middle of the week. I can’t tell you how many high quality men: engineers, doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, etc. I’ve met on Tuesday afternoon at a tap house—handsome, kind, successful, well-educated men. Oh, and if you don’t want to drink, don’t. I’ll often go and have a kombucha or just drink water, especially when I write.
This is especially true when there are sporting events on—guys go out with their buddies to watch sports and drink beer. It’s not rocket science. And while we’re on that kick, go to sporting events: baseball (even minor league), football, basketball, soccer, etc. These are all great places and situations in which to meet men.
4) Find Groups
The other great way to meet people is to be part of a group.
If you’re religious, go to church.
If not, join or start a softball team, find a hiking or biking group, or hell, become a regular at the local bar’s team trivia night—and if you don’t have a team, just go: I can pretty much guarantee you’ll be invited to join one of the other teams there.
One of my strategies: I go to the same coffee shop and tap house to write, religiously. So if I see a woman there more than once, it’s a lot easier to start a conversation—also, because I’m a regular, the ladies know where to find me if they want to.
For many women this will be uncomfortable, but like anything you get better with time. Say you see a guy at the tap house you’re at because you’ve taken my advice. He’s talking to a friend, but no ring and he’s sitting at the bar. Here’s what you do:
- Sidle up next to him to order your next drink.
- As you’re waiting for the bartender, ask him what he’s drinking, or lead him with this: “hey I like dark beers—any recommendations?”
- Whatever his answer is, explore that. Say he’s drinking an IPA: tell him what you think about IPA’s and just be honest. If you hate them, tell him so—he’ll probably ask why.
The point is to begin a conversation. It’s easier than it sounds. The key is to relax, be yourself, and ask questions of value—challenge the other person. If it turns into an interview: what job do you work? Where’d you grow up? What college? That’s super boring.
Better questions: what kind of food do you like? Polka dots or stripes? Do you read books—what kind? Find something you connect on and then explore that topic. Most guys should eventually figure it out and take the lead in the conversation—if you want them to.
Every woman out there should try this at least occasionally if only to understand how most guys feel.
But let me tell you a little secret: this is hands down the best way to meet new people and once you get used to it it’s actually super fun and easy.
Why is it so good?
First, this is someone you know for a fact you’re attracted to—otherwise you wouldn’t approach, right? There’s no guarantee of that with SOD (Swipe/Online Dating), as anyone who’s done that much knows (photos can be deceiving, and people lie).
Second, if you get good at having these types of conversations, it shows confidence, value, and is incredibly sexy.
Third, even if you talk for only 10-15 minutes and exchange numbers, you’ve kind of had your first date. You’ve been in each other’s presence physically, built some rapport, developed some chemistry, and if things go well text wise when you actually end up meeting the next time, chances are it’s a fun experience, unlike SOD, which is a fucking crap shoot.
6) Get off SOD and take a social media diet
OK, since I brought it up, let’s talk about SOD (and social media). I’ve written a lot about why it’s not good, but let me break it down simply—there are two problems women will run into because of SOD and/or social media:
A) You feel like you’re doing something productive, but it’s not that productive.
Is it possible to meet someone on SOD?
Sure. But it’s mostly a matter of either incredible luck or an exhausting time and energy suck diligently swiping through thousands of profiles, replying to hundreds of messages, and weeding through lemon after lemon after lemon.
However, when you tap on the app and start swiping, reply to a few messages, chalk up a couple new matches, you feel as if you’re really accomplishing something—like, this dating thing: it’s going to get solved.
The problem is there’s no guarantee of that.
SOD is about as low percentage a game as there is for reasons I’ve written about twice already (here and here). But because people on SOD feel like they’re being proactive, they make less of an effort to meet people IRL, which means they’re effectively giving up on the best way to meet people.
Basically, it’s like the person who goes to the gym for an hour and then stops at McDonald’s on the way home. Have they worked out? Yes. Will they lose weight? Probably not (if you want to know how to do that, go here).
B) SOD (and social media) massively inflates your standards as well as your sense of SMV.
Basically, SOD makes you more picky. You expect to meet better looking guys and at the same time consider yourself more of a catch. I wrote more about that in the last post, but to sum up: high standards + low actual SMV = cat lady (no offense to cat lady’s—if you want to be a cat lady, more power to you).
To turn to social media, the problem there is that you can get a hell of a lot of attention that means absolutely nothing but makes you feel attractive.
However, is any woman going to her deathbed thinking: I lived a good life because I got 597,283 like on Insta selfies in my twenties? Probably not.
Social media is a substitute for IRL that makes you feel good without providing any substance. Just remember that (and I know this because I take selfies too goddamnit).
7) Busy is a choice
A lot of women are simply too busy to date. They’re focusing on careers or single moms who have kids or find themselves with too many social obligations, etc.
If that sounds like you, remember: busy is a choice.
Yes we all have to pay the bills, fulfill social or work obligations, potentially take care of kids, and all that, but no one is forcing you to live life as you’re currently living it. Ask yourself a few questions: are you happy? Does what you’re doing fulfill you? Is this what you want life to look like?
If it is, then keep doing it.
If it’s not, however, like if you don’t even have time to date and that’s important to you (most of us are sexual beings, and to disregard this, I would argue, is unhealthy), then it’s time to figure out how to do something different.
Single moms, I have mad respect for you, but y’all are terrible—not at taking care of your kids, but at taking care of yourselves. And that ultimately effects your kids. Because if you’re not happy, they’re going to see that and potentially take it upon themselves.
If dad’s capable of doing 50/50 custody, take advantage of your time off to try to meet people. If he’s not and you have the kiddo’s all or most of the time, get a babysitter or ask your parents or a friend to watch them at least once or twice a week, if only for a few hours to go to a coffee shop or bar and have some time off to yourself.
The rest of you ladies have no excuse. Relationships are important, and if you put that part of life off too long, it might not happen the way you want it to.
8) Don’t go out with cock-blockers—and don’t be one
It’s Friday night, you’ve finally got some time off, you’re out at the hip new nightclub with your friends and there’s tons of hot guys checking you out.
After awhile one of them—let’s call him Mark—strikes up a conversation. Marks’s confident, handsome, sexy. The two of you dance and he buys you a drink. Both of you are feeling it and when he leans in for a kiss you meet his lips and it’s one of those magical ones where you end up kissing for awhile.
Hot, open mouth, holding each other kissing.
But then your friend Becky sees this happening (sorry, but it’s always Becky—or Joy, ironically), and she’s like, “oh hell no!” and spends the rest of the night cock-blocking Mark and generally being awful and ruining everything for everyone. You see Mark leave at some point with a hot little number while you go home alone, telling the Lyft to stop at Taco Bell on the way home so you can eat your feelings in nachos.
Understand first: in all likelihood Becky did not cock block you because she was concerned for your safety. That’s what she told you, and that’s probably what she sincerely believes, but that’s not what happened.
What happened is an evolutionary trigger: she saw that an alpha male was going to breed with someone in her group and she did everything she could to stop it from happening, because when it gets to that point, you’re competition. She may not be able to get that guy, but she can sure as hell try to stop him from getting you.
Cock-blocking is almost always a selfish act done for the reason I’ve just described. If you don’t believe me, keep going out with your cock-blocking friends and watch them blow up anytime they see a strong attraction developing between you and a new man you meet.
Seriously: don’t go out with cock blockers, and if you are one, stop it. Isn’t at least part of the point of going out to potentially meet someone—especially someone you have chemistry with and are attracted to? Then why are you going to let your friend blow it up every time that happens?
And to be clear, obviously if the guy has nefarious intent or is dangerous (has a knife or gun, is doing tons of drugs, is wasted and can’t drive but is trying to), then yes by all means intervene. But nefarious intent does not include him trying to have sex with you or your friend.
Please, please let’s get over this: as long as the sex is safe (use protection always) and consensual (always), then no one loses anything in a one night stand. We have this outdated notion in our society that if a woman has sex with a man she doesn’t end up having a relationship with she’s somehow been taken advantage of or lost something, and that is total bullshit.
If a woman wants to have sex with a man and nothing more, so be it. And let’s just be honest—that’s usually what the cock blockers are trying to prevent.
Which is why we call them cock blockers.
There are a fair amount of women out there who are awful brats. They’re negative, entitled, whiny, impossible.
And if I let that subset of women become how I view all women, I’d give up and go fishing a hell of a lot more often.
But most women aren’t that way, just like most men aren’t cocky assholes or pathetic nice guys or fuckboi’s. However, it’s easy to get in a mindset where we think that way and it’s deadly. Because if you assume the worst of any guy you meet, or are constantly skeptical of him, it’s not going to work—and that’s not his fault.
I guess what I’m saying is that you have to assume the best of people and give them a chance until they prove you wrong. Having a shitty, negative mindset hurts people in our society in so many ways, and dating is definitely one of them.
On the flip side, if you’re energetic, positive, fun, forgiving, and likable, it’s really easy to meet people—and the people with those traits are exactly the kind of people you’d want to meet, right?
So be one of those, not the entitled brat.
10) Look for a man on the rise
I was going to say I can’t understand why women don’t do this more, but that’s not true—I know exactly why this doesn’t happen more. Because women are biologically geared to date the highest status man they can attract (see my last post for more). The man on the rise does not have high status, and therefore, does not strike women as attractive.
But there’s a lost opportunity here, because young men are basically children with jobs and bank accounts (yeah I said it).
Needless to say, some screw up early or don’t get their shit together until later on, but most eventually find their way by the time they make it to their mid 30’s. Now all of the sudden this Manchild is successful: starting his own business, embarking on a new career, going back to school—whatever have you.
Strike while the iron is hot ladies! Maybe he’s not perfect at the time (still living in a shitty apartment, paying off debt, etc.), but he’s on his way, and if you don’t notice, at some point another woman will and your opportunity is lost.
While I’m on this point there’s something else I should mention: there are a lot of men out there who are good looking, nice, well-educated guys who just don’t make that much money for whatever reason. Maybe they got stuck at a job where they thought there were more opportunities, or ended up bartending to pay the bills and never got out of it, or actually just preferred to take a job that pays less, but for whatever reason they’re not all that financially successful.
Remember how I said women won’t date lower status men?
Well, if you make 60, 70, 80k a year, you’re going to perceive anyone who makes much less than that as lower status, which means—especially given our shitty, materialistic values as a culture—that there’s a very small pool of men who make as much or more than that to choose from. And there’s a lot of competition for guys like that for obvious reasons.
One thing you might consider is flipping the script on what you consider status. Yes, wealth is certainly part of status. So are looks and social position. But what about being interesting, spontaneous, fun, passionate about something, wise, or simply kind and genuine?
Don’t those things, in the end, matter a hell of a lot more than how much money someone makes—especially if you’re making a ton of money already? Shit lady, you’re an independent, wealthy woman: you don’t need no man to take care of you. You need a man to take care of you. Right?
And even if you’re a mere mortal making 40-50k, slogging it out like so many Americans, again, I’d challenge the notion that marrying someone wealthy will make you happy or provide the basis for a quality relationship. Sure, in some ways having money makes things really easy, but when we’re on our deathbeds no one’s going to look back on their lives and think: “you know, I’m really glad I bought that house. Gosh that car I had was nice. And those wood floors—who-eee!”
No, we’re going to look back and think about the people we knew, the experiences we had, the ways—small or large—that we contributed to the world or provided joy to the people we knew. That’s what really matters.
And we may as well take that into account when it comes to choosing the our relationships.
Hope this helps! Much love ladies!