So, this is a little off script, but at the request of a reader, we’re shifting gears to social commentary today. On that note, if you have something you want me to rant about, don’t hesitate to let me know…
When I was young, and I saw a Tinkerbell sticker on a car, I used to think, “hmmm, better go see who this driver is—I bet she’s hot!” Why did I think that? Because I was a teenager, and teenagers are dumb, but in part, because Tink is basically what every guy dreams of: cute, blonde, loves to party, and she can make you fly…which makes you wonder, right, was Peter just really high? And is Tinkerbell a symbol for marijuana, or historically, absinthe?
Anyway, you can imagine my disappointment when I would pull even with the car and find myself staring into the freshly shaved face of a 900 lb. woman smoking PallMalls in a cutoff shirt. After she cursed at me for staring at her, she would usually speed away before throwing a half full Nati-Ice at my minivan. I made this mistake exactly 27 times before I realized that my Tinkerbell theory was wrong. Tink may be a hot little tart, but the women with her sticker on their cars were usually fat, balding, angry, and earned money for beer and cigarettes by housing foster children.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to learn that it means only one thing when someone is wearing a shirt with Tweety Bird, Goofy, or Road Runner on the front: White Trash…or foreign with really bad taste. But usually White Trash. It’s a rule to live by, and it’s why guys shouldn’t even think twice about the really hot blonde they see at the state fair sporting a tramp stamp of Sylvester Cat. She’s tainted bro, and I can guarantee she’s not smart enough to be using birth control. Before you know it, she’ll be pregnant with your child, asking you for money, and smoking Meth with an escaped convict named Tank. Not nicknamed, named.
Now, here are my theories for why this is:
1) Subconsciously, someone who is white trash has never mentally advanced past the age of ten, so why not choose a Donald Duck shirt out of the clothes barrel? By sporting a cartoon character as a part of your avatar, they are signaling to people: don’t ask me about anything that requires real thought–I didn’t graduate high school, my wife is the biggest, meanest animal I’m aware of in a 50 mile radius, and if I’m not too drunk to forget, I vote Republican because that’s what Fox News tells me to do. I don’t have time to listen to some TV station where I have to figure out what the letters mean, like CNN or MSNBC. I don’t know what those stand for. But Fox stands for Fox. If you want to have a conversation, I’ll be happy to irrationally yell my opinions at you.
2) They have so little idea of who they actually are, that they substitute a cartoon character in as part of their personal identity. For example: I wear a Daffy Duck t-shirt, have a Daffy Duck beach towel, and drink beer from a Daffy Duck mug, therefore, I have a short temper and people can’t make any sense out of what I’m saying. Isn’t that just Daffy?
3) They know that wearing a cartoon character on their shirt is ridiculous, but they figure they can get away with it since they’re the most famous person in the trailer park, the same way Flava-Flav gets away with wearing a Viking hat and giant clocks, because he’s the most famous person on VH1.
4) White Trash women, whose sex is often in doubt without a full anatomical examination, wear Tinkerbell, in essence to say, “I is a lady, now would you please twist off the top of that MadDog for me!”
5) It was the only shirt that fit at GoodWill.
6) It was the cheapest shirt at WalMart.
Now, as I mentioned earlier, there are exceptions. Foreigners, for some reason, often enjoy wearing American Cartoon Characters on their clothes. So, if you see a Japanese person wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt, you can go ahead and introduce yourself without having a beer can thrown your way.
The other group to watch out for are hipsters. They’ll wear anything that is generally considered unusual, which, outside of red states like Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Tennessee, and neighborhoods bordering WalMart and Grocery Outlet, sporting Goofy is. To solve this riddle, look at their sunglasses. Hipsters will generally be wearing rounded, or aviator style sunglasses, while White Trash folks will usually be seen in goggle-style sunglasses, or squinting.
Don’t believe me? Just head to your State Fair this summer. Focus on the corndog stands and flea markets. You’ll see them, yelling, sweating, wearing sleeveless t-shirts with Tweety Bird squarely on the front. Oh, and don’t forget to duck. They take that Silver Bullet stuff literally.