Tonight’s Word: Antivalues

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The following is an homage to Stephen Colbert’s Tonight’s Word:

Nation, one thing we’ve learned over the years is that liberals will never understand the brilliance of conservative political strategy. Oh sure, they may put on their tin-foil hats and cite all kinds of “data” and “polls” and other things they learned at their elitist, high-minded, fancy universities, but what they don’t understand is that none of that matters to conservatives—which brings me to Tonight’s Word:

Antivalues.

That’s right my friends. Because we conservatives don’t always know what we’re for—but we always know what we’re against. Things like green energy and saving the whales and free community college. Make no mistake: conservatives hate anything green—even trees—and community college is just another place shiftless 19-year-olds go to avoid working for Walmart, the greatest of all marts. And whales? Schmales! Who cares if the Japanese hunt whales? As long as they keep producing high quality electronics, we conservatives are all in.

But mostly, we define our antivalues by one man: President Obama. If President Obama is for something, we’re against it. Even if we were for it before.

And of course the liberals will cry, “that’s because he’s black”—playing the race card as they always do.

But nation, conservatives don’t hate Obama because he’s black—we hate him because he’s a secret Kenyan Muslim who wasn’t born in America and yet, makes very good and reasonable speeches… which, naturally, we’re against.

Antivalues: the kind of values that allow us to believe that “family values” equals discriminating against gays and denying charity to the poor due to our Christian faith. Antivalues: the kind of values that allow us to believe that the phrase “reasonable gun control”—like preventing terrorists and crazy people from legally buying guns in the U.S.—actually means that ISIS-controlled, black government helicopters are going to come down from the sky en masse to rob the American people of every patriotic firearm from here to Timbuktu. Or that a harmless, routine military drill like “Jade Helm 15” means that the Feds are invading Texas! ISIS! EBOLA! IRAN!

Why? Because Obama.

You see nation, conservatives use antivalues all the time to advance our objectives. Like when Presidential Candidate Jeb Bush says it’s wrong for Donald Trump to attack Senator John McCain’s war record, but personally thanked the Swift Boat Veterans for slandering John Kerry’s military service during his run for President. Or how the Republican Congress and Right Wing Media, who have investigated and talked about Benghazi non-stop, did everything they could to prevent inquiries into the botched intelligence surrounding 9/11. Never mind, friends, that more than 3,000 people were killed in 9/11 compared to the four that were killed in Benghazi, or that multiple investigations have established that neither Obama or Hillary Clinton were involved in any wrongdoing; Benghazi’s clearly a conspiracy that’s been perpetrated on the American people and covered up by CNN and the rest of the liberal media.

Why? Because Obama.

And Hillary.

Sorry liberals, you just don’t understand conservative antivalues.

See, when Bush was running up the deficit, it was totally fine, but as soon as a Obama was elected, antivalues helped us to find our fiscal conservatism—and now: we don’t want to spend money on anything. Infrastructure? Schminfratstructure. Who cares if Americans drive over 70,000 “structurally deficient” bridges every day, teetering on the edge of certain death? We don’t got money for nothin’. Not at least while that bla—I mean—not while President Obama’s in office.

And it doesn’t stop there. Take Charles Krauthammer’s recent piece on the sale of fetal parts by Planned Parenthood. It doesn’t matter that the videos capturing this practice were deceptively edited and taken badly out of context, or that those tissues are used to perform life-saving procedures and create life-saving treatments; his antivalues allow him to cry foul and lambast the entire liberal establishment for their craven pro-choice agenda.

Indeed, abortion is the ultimate antivalue for Conservatives—for it allows us to embrace the banner of life while we beat the drums of war: first against Iraq, as Krauthammer did, resulting in death for nearly half a million people; and now against Iran, as Krauthammer is doing. You see, nearly every Republican Presidential Candidate is pro-life for the unborn American child, but pro-death for Iranian fetuses, children, and whoever else happens to get killed in a war there, including American soldiers.

And this is true for all conservatives. Being prolife doesn’t mean that #BlackLivesMatter—white is right! Especially when white is a police officer wielding his authority like a power-drunk five-year-old standing over an anthill, magnifying glass in hand.

Neither does being prolife mean that brown-skinned, Spanish speaking immigrants, or even their U.S. born children, have any value whatsoever, because as Trumpiness tells us, these people “have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.” Yes, some, we assume, are good people, but as Republican Steve King of Iowa said, for every one of those, “there’s another 100 out there who weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert.”

Why? Because Obama.

But in all seriousness, while we care deeply about the life of every unborn fetus, increased access to healthcare for tens of millions of Americans under Obamacare is deeply troubling, because it could lead to a real political advantage for Democrats. This is why courageous Wisconsin Governor, Scott Walker, has joined 18 other Republican governors to deny healthcare to nearly 6.5 million Americans by not expanding Medicaid. So what if these people work for a living? Who cares if many will die as a result? Our pro-life position is entirely political.

Why? Because Obama.

How? Because antivalues.

And that’s Tonight’s Word.

NOTE: the intellectual idea of “Tonght’s Word” came from the “Colbert Report” on Comedy Central, hosted by Stephen Colbert. I’ve borrowed the idea to honor Colbert’s work, but I take no credit for creating the voice or the idea. It is an act of homage.

If you like what we’re doing here at ChuckingRocks.com, please help us out by making a donation. Every dollar counts. If you can’t make a donation at this time, the other way you can help us is to spread the word–so please, like, share, email, tweet, and/or retweet our posts. Remember to follow us on twitter @chuckingrocks or email us: chuckingrocks.com@gmail.com.

About The Author: Jay Scott

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