I don’t know if anyone heard the clip yesterday (likely not unless you listen to progressive radio or watch MSNBC—NPR wouldn’t want to dirty their hands by making people look bad), but it was the most frightening 10 seconds of audio I’ve ever heard in my life. As it started you could hear a telecast playing quite loudly in the background, in which the reporter announced, “…they’re calling this the Tea Party downgrade.” Immediately following, a stupid sounding woman began cheering wildly, and other voices soon followed with the same pitch and enthusiasm. There was no mistaking the laughter, whoops, and cheers, at hearing that our nation’s credit-worthiness had been downgraded. These people were fucking crazy. Batshit crazy. The audio was recorded at a Wisconsin Tea Party meeting.
By the way, not to toot my own horn here, but I told y’all to get out of the market right? I believe I’m on record for saying that. It’s not unrelated—see what I don’t understand is, how are the Tea Party nut jobs, who were cheering the market crash, on the same side as fiscal conservatives, Wall street execs, and anyone who is actually sane? When are “mainstream” or “moderate” Republicans going to say, “hey…wait just one fucking minute. I want to make money—not lose it.”
See, this is the problem. If you’re a conservative and you go against the Tea Party—you lose. They defund your campaign coffers, expose your “alternative lifestyle,” and deride you as a coward and a liberal. And of course, the media’s not sure what to do—hell, the Tea Party were media darlings during the push to reform our health care system, and they have been ever since—and somehow, since the media lost its conscience, they can’t distinguish between what is good and what is fucking crazy: “Well, Diane, the Tea Partier’s here say they want to murder black people, marry their sisters, and make mayonnaise the required condiment for all fried foods, and whose to say they’re wrong?”
Anyway, I have a solution to this problem. See, we already have two wars against ideas—why not a third? Or better yet, let’s end the war on drugs and the war on terror, because I’m pretty sure this third war will solve both problems. I want a war on stupid.
To start with, we’ll form an elite fighting force, called SMARTS—Sane, Moral, Academic, Responsible, Trained, Soldiers. Basically, it will be their job to go around the country looking for people who are stupid, and then correcting them in ways the encourage being, well, smart. For example, say there’s a white trash moron in Texas complaining about how Obama raised his taxes. The Smart would smack him in the face, then say, “because you’re wrong, I’m now actually going to tax all of your money out of your bank account—since you already believe that we have it, we may as well actually have it. Just so you know, I’m going right down the street to give it to the first black person I see. We’re also going to garnish your wages until you’ve paid for a college degree. Oh, and how do you like the heat? Hot enough for ya, you Al Gore bashing bitch?”
Bad driver? Call a Smart. They’ll take that person hovering in the left lane of the interstate driving 45 miles an hour and simply revoke their right to drive on freeways, and, “if we catch you again, we’re going to replace your driver’s license with a bus pass…bitch.”
There are some other laws that would have to be in place to help us win this war:
1) Bitch slapping someone is allowed if it can be proven that they said something stupid, and afterward you have to call them a bitch.
2) Knowingly telling a lie is a minor offense, for which one must pay a fine of $1,000 for each person the exposed to the lie—also known as the Fox News law.
3) If you advocate denying someone’s rights, you lose those rights for yourself. Against gay marriage? Looks like you get to be in a domestic partnership. And I’m sorry Michelle Bachmann, those farm subsidies and Medicare checks you and your husband collect are gone; after all, you don’t believe in government hand outs, remember…bitch?
And, for all those Republicans who want to limit women’s access to birth control and abortion, guess what, since you believe so strongly in producing children, you can’t ever have sex with anyone, including your gay lovers or mistresses, without attempting to produce a child. No using a condom. No vasectomies or sex with women on birth control. Every sperm is a potential child. And yes, masturbation for you is now considered mass genocide…hope you don’t have a wet dream, you big bitch.
4) Along with this, in the war against stupid, you’re allowed not to pay your taxes, BUT you also don’t get to have any of the things they pay for. You can’t drive on the roads, kids can’t go to public school, and when you call 911 for fire, police, or a medical emergency, you’re just going to hear someone laughing at you on the other end, and then, “bitch.” You also aren’t allowed to buy gas, foreign cars, or any product manufactured by a company receiving government contracts, tax breaks, or subsidies. Oh, and you have to buy food from a special store, where all the meat and produce is not inspected by the USDA.
So, President Obama, I’m calling on you now: declare a war on stupid. Train the Smarts, enact the laws, let’s call these crazy fucks on the carpet and be done with them. It’s either that, or we can listen to them cheer like insane idiots as this country goes down the toilet.
For the rest of us, we can start now—slapping isn’t legal yet, but if you know a Tea Partier, tell them what a dumb shit they are, and then, well, you know what to do.