The Dumpster Fire that is the Civil War

Isaac and Suk, the afternoon radio hosts I usually listen to on my way home from work, were surprised this week at why there wasn’t more excitement about the Civil War.  They’ve got something to play for, the argument went—its rivalry week folks!  You’ve got the Iron Bowl, the Apple Cup, Stanford-Cal…

Well gents, let me ‘splain: first, the Ducks, and their fans, have been so spoiled by having phenomenal season after phenomenal season, that at this point, it’s the natty or bust (full disclosure: I’m super jealous).  And that’s what happens when you prance around in a different uniform every week like OCD Village People, enjoy enormous bandwagon support from every non-college graduate in the state, and have a rich daddy that comes and stuffs your ass with $100 bills—which you’re OK with, because even though he’s creepy, old, and smells of Canadian musk, it’s fun to be rich and pretty.  Unfortunately, daddy can’t buy you a date with Alabama, and now there’s nothing left to do but pout, because you’re going to have to go to the dance with dirty Andy and his creepy, spider-like fingers (that’s the Alamo Bowl, and yes, we know because we’ve been there—two words: chastity belt).

Of course, that doesn’t even come close to what it’s like to be a Beaver fan.  We are a DUMPSTER FIRE; a dumpster fire of human ass hair, surrounded by 48-year-old whores mud wrestling on tractors (because yes, we are an AG school), while toothless yokels yodel in the background swigging moonshine.  Anyway, why, after getting just motor-boated by the Huskies, 69-27, our fourth loss in a row, would we ever believe we even have a chance on Friday against the Ducks, who are going to be pissed off, and have nothing meaningful left of their season except to see how badly they can ball-kick little brother?  I’ve got news for everyone: the Beavs are going to lose.  Badly.

It’s actually kind of sad, because Oregon State doesn’t even warrant Oregon’s respect, even though the Ducks just blew their chance at a BCS bowl and their star players don’t seem to care anymore.  The truth is, if they just put in a casual effort they’ll win. Here’s the game plan: on defense, blitz every down, because you know Mannion will panic and fall down or throw a pick, and on offense, run the ball.  Do an average job of those things and you will beat the Beavers.  Handily.

So yeah, no one cares.  The Ducks don’t have an opponent to get up for, and the Beavers are a bad football team.  Bad.  OSU fans know that not only do we not have a chance, but it’s almost certainly going to be an embarrassing blowout, equal to, or worse than last week.

Anyway, here’s what fans need to root for:

Oregon—don’t get any of your good players injured on your way to victory.  Wear a dandy uniform and win the day, even though your going to a shitty bowl game where you’ll be faced with an opponent that… sigh… won’t be Alabama, Florida State, or anyone else your spoiled asses want to play.  Enjoy winning.  Again.

Oregon State—don’t get any of our good players injured on our way to losing the sixth Civil War in a row.  But try to lose with some dignity.  Mannion, don’t throw more picks than touchdown passes.  Defense, try to keep the Ducks under 50.  Hope to get a few lucky turnovers and keep the game within 20.  However, if you have something better to do, Beaver fan, I’d do it.  We took enough of a beating the past four weeks.  And need I remind you: we lost to Eastern Washington, and we should’ve lost to San Diego State.  This is going to be ugly.

About The Author: Jay Scott


  • Reply Anonymous

    Here’s some cheese. Keep whining. You’re a bad fan..

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