Well, Republicans, this won’t be easy to hear, and, since you didn’t listen to me (and the rest of the winners) the first fucking time, I’m going to make this much, much worse for you. On the plus side, I am going to tell you how you can save your party, but, unfortunately for you Mitt Romney supporting losers, I’m going to be a HUGE dick about it. OH YEAH, BLACK MAN IN THE OVAL OFFICE!!! AGAIN! AHAHAHAHAHAH!
I’d apologize, but then, in the last election, most of you proved not to have any integrity whatsoever, so what good does apologizing do? In this election, everyone who voted for Republicans cast their lot with the filthiest liars in history, not to mention racists, bigots, and a bunch of assholes who think rape is a gift from God. I’m pretty sure God’s not even on board with that, but I won’t claim to speak for Him—I’ll leave that to the blasphemous bible thumpers.
Anyway, as you may or may not realize (since conservatives live in world of hate, fear, lies, and misinformation), the Republican Party is in an awful lot of trouble. Really. But, given that conservatives are already trying to lie themselves out of that simple truth, let me spell it out so that even a pea-sized brain can comprehend it.
The electoral vote wasn’t close, and the popular vote, though close, isn’t how we elect a president. Even if it was, consider this: Obama didn’t need votes in states he knew he would lose. However, given his absolute fucking slaughter in the electoral race, where he won eight out of nine swing states (and that’s if you count North Carolina and its backward population as a swing state), it’s logical to conclude that if he made the same effort in every state, he could have won the popular vote by a much bigger margin. The same cannot be said for Romney, because let’s face it, most of the people who voted for him had so much hate in their hearts that nothing would have prevented them from casting a ballot for lies and deceit.
Look, Obama took the Right Wing’s best shot in this election—and still won handily. The full, evil force of the entire Republican Party, their substantial media army, and a shitload of super wealthy donors, made every possible effort to defeat this one man. No racist, dog-whistle comment was left unsaid. No lie was too brazen. No voter suppression effort left untried. This poor man was the subject of the single greatest effort of slander, libel, and propaganda ever undertaken in the history of American politics, which began even before he even took the oath of office. And he still won, because the majority of voters refused to give in to the dark side of the force, and because Karma is a HUGE fuckin’ bitch.
Now, everyone’s been making a big deal about demographics, and it’s true, in a nation that is becoming more ethnically diverse (see Asian, African American, and Hispanic), it doesn’t help to be the party that embraces white racism for political gain (see the “Southern Strategy”). But enough is being said about that, and besides, if Republicans want to win, it’s not simply a matter of reaching out to non-whites by putting more brown people on Fox News. No, the real problem is an irrational, deeply flawed ideology, and its enabling catalyst: ignorance, be it willful or otherwise.
Let’s start with the ignorance. Many Republicans have a reaction to the truth that is akin to a Vampire’s reaction to sunlight. They shun it, shut it out, and do whatever they can to rid their world of it, lest they dissolve into dust. In fact, during the last eight to twelve years, the vast majority of the Right Wing have immersed themselves in an ideologically pure cocoon of conservative radio, conspiratorial bloggers, and Fox News, so that anything that might possibly challenge their beliefs was filtered out, or spun as left leaning media bias.
Don’t believe me? Then believe David Frum, the former economic speechwriter for George W. Bush, who, reacting to the election, said that “Republicans have been fleeced, exploited, and lied to by a conservative entertainment complex.” He also said Republican “followers, donors, and activists are so mistaken about the nature of the problems this country faces,” they can’t correctly answer questions such as, “have taxes gone up in the last four years” (answer is no), and “do we spend a trillion dollars on welfare? And the answer is false, but it is almost universally believed.”
To be blunt: Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, and all the other disgusting human beings that conservatives listen to regularly, are lying to their audience. And, while these lies make the conservative entertainment industry tons of money, they are fundamentally destructive to the conservative movement and the Republican Party. Listening only to what you want to hear works with music, but not with political decisions that govern the fate of our great nation.
I could recount dozens of cogent examples of this, but consider the absurdity the Republican media attacking Michelle Obama for trying to get our nation’s kids to be active and eat healthier. Think about how absolutely fucking crazy that is for a second. They hated Barack Obama so much, that in a country where obesity, especially childhood obesity, is an epidemic, they found a way to attack his wife for creating programs aimed to produce healthier children.
Indeed, the Republican decision to automatically oppose Obama no matter what he proposed, no matter how rational (even if it was something like Obamacare, which your own candidate enacted when he was governor of Massachusetts, you fucking idiots), has driven their party, like lemmings, toward the cliffs of insanity. Obama, as the majority of us know (and proved this election), is a very reasonable, rational, middle-of-the-road kind of guy—not the Marxist, socialist “other” he was portrayed as by the Right—so by opposing his very being, Republicans had no choice but to drive in the ditch.
This brings us to the final point regarding ignorance. Smart, mature adults accept the fact that they are sometimes wrong, and then, instead of attacking the person who points it out, or insisting that a false universe exists where they’re more perfect than God, they alter their actions or beliefs to make themselves a better person. Think about it this way: if you want to get better at golf, you practice at the driving range, go golfing more often, and get a golf pro to help you improve your swing. What you don’t do is go around to parties bragging what a great golfer you are, never practice, and then show up expecting to shoot a low round when someone with integrity is keeping score. And this is the essence of what Republicans have done for the last eight to twelve years. They’ve sat around agreeing with each other, engaged in a massive pissing contest to see who can be the “most severely” conservative, and never asked themselves whether their ideas actually worked—or were even practical. And, when anything that disagreed with their myopic world view emerged, they dismissed it as an artificial product of the imagined “liberal” media—no Boromir, you can’t use the Ring—it has to be destroyed.
If Republicans want to regain their prominence as a party, they have to start living in reality. No more lies, no more spin, no more believing every myth Rush Limbaugh and the Right Wing media put out there. Instead, read a newspaper, do some research, and form independent conclusions—this is what Republicans must do if they’re to be taken seriously in the future.
On to ideology—now, listen closely my conservative friends, because what I’m about to tell you is all true, but the crazy fucking political beliefs you’ve cultivated in the last few years will probably cause you to recoil—like Shelob from the light of Elendil when you hear them—in other words, this bitch slap of truth might sting a little.
First, taxes are necessary. As Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. famously said, “taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society.” Moreover, taxes are now lower than they’ve been since Eisenhower, and the taxes rates paid by corporations and the wealthy have also gone down in the last 30 years. So, either get over the fact you have to pay taxes, or fucking move somewhere else where rates are lower—just expect to find that it’s fundamentally uncivilized.
Moreover, tax cuts do not automatically create jobs, tax increases don’t always cost jobs, and raising taxes on personal income over $250,000 does not hurt small business—that is a lie. These are absurd maxims your party has adopted, because Grover Norquist has more sway over the Republican Party than Jesus Christ.
Next, government is not always the problem—it is, at least sometimes, the solution. In fact, the very reason we have government is that it can solve problems we can’t solve as individuals or in free markets. Now, it’s fine to want to limit government from getting too big, bureaucratic, or unwieldy, and that is precisely the role a conservative party ought to play. However, when Republicans attack the very institution of government, or imply it’s almost wholly unnecessary except to provide for a military, it sounds absurd, because it is absurd.
More to the point: Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security are legitimate services for the government to provide and there are very good reasons we have these programs. Can how we fund them and run them be streamlined so that they don’t contribute to the deficit? Absolutely. But turning these programs over to private industry would hinder their function, as well as subject them to greater risk and fraud; for when fraud exists now in any of these programs, it is almost always caused by the private profit motive. So please Republicans, stop trying to end or privatize these programs. Instead, fix them—make them better. Just remember, that doesn’t mean handing them over to private industry.
Moving on, stop pushing the abortion and birth control issue. I’m not saying you have to like it or agree with it, but please accept this fact: abortions have been happening since the dawn of mankind, and making them illegal will not prevent their existence. If you don’t want people to have them, provide services to poor and vulnerable women, and make sure people are aware that options such as adoption exist. But, especially after the rape comments, as well as the ridiculous hullaballoo about insurance providing birth control, it should be clear that these issues are fundamentally personal decisions. And frankly, why conservatives, who are supposedly fans of limited government, want all manner of state and federal laws when it comes to anything and everything having to do with a vagina is mystifying. Not to mention creepy.
In this sense, it’s probably a good idea to stop attacking and demonizing specific groups of people, like gay or lesbian Americans. People have right to marry one another, regardless of sex—if you disagree with that on a religious basis, that’s your right (your disgusting, dehumanizing right), but remember, our government “shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion.” It’s called the First Amendment, Republicans. Learn about it.
Another group of people you should stop attacking are union members and public employees. These groups of people are not the cause of all our economic ills, and blaming every single problem we have on them is fucking stupid, not to mention unproductive. In fact, since 1970, union membership in the U.S. has dropped from 26% to 13%. During the same period of time, middle class wages have stagnated, and yet, the rich have seen their profits and salaries explode. The bottom line is that Republicans have to stop being the party that represents the super wealthy at the expense of everyone else. Find ways for free markets to function for small business, the lower and middle class, as well as the rich—they aren’t now, and the conservative belief that laissez faire capitalism will reward the common man has to go, because it’s just not true.
I could go on, but I won’t—this last 2,000 words has probably been difficult for my Republican friends—and glorifying to the winners. If you remember one thing from this screed, it should be this: believing what you want to hear may feel good, but it’s rarely going to make you a better person. Are Democrats perfect? Absolutely not. Do we need a strong, logical Republican Party? YES! But Republicans have to start focusing on solving the problems of regular people, not just their campaign donors i.e. the super wealthy, if they want to be a part of national politics moving forward. Even more important is one simple word: integrity. Have the integrity to call out those on your own side who resort to lies and misinformation. Have the integrity to question your leaders and their motives. Begin to conceive not what is best for your party, but what is best for this nation—that is the path you must choose Republicans—to deny any other, is to embrace the death of the party of Lincoln.