Quick Hitters

Mindless Drivers

Has anyone noticed that about 50% of all drivers these days are just mindless automatons that are simply incapable of driving in a rational way.  I say mindless, because after examining their behavior, I’ve noticed several things:

1) They never change lanes once they’re in the far left lane, which if they were in such a hurry, you’d think they’d pass the really slow people on the right sometimes, but it never happens.  Why?  Mindless.

2) They shake their head at me every time I get over so they can scoot along to tailgate the next decent citizen—why the fucking head shake?  I’m getting over you mindless fuck!  You should thank me!  A lot of people would just sit there like idiots and let you tailgate them!

3) They never flash their brights, honk their horns, or appear otherwise agitated aside from the passing headshake, but yet they drive as if they are unbelievably angry and in one hell of hurry.  Mindless.

4) They oftentimes will nearly miss their exit, because they’re so intent on tailgating the shit out of the person in front of them.  I’ve actually seen some of these people miss their exits, and I think it’s because they almost forget that they can change lanes.  Mindless.

5) There seems to be no speed that is satisfactory for the mindless fuck—they’ll just keep going until you get over.  To test this the other day, I decided to accelerate up to 85 miles an hour to see if that would be fast enough to not get tailgated.  It wasn’t.  The fucking idiot behind me just kept right on speeding up, and finally, I got over and he sped by, shaking his head at me as if I was just a horrible person for going so slow.

6) I often end up passing these fucking idiots in the right lane, as I did not 2 minutes later with this dumb-dumb.  See I, a rational person, like to drive a certain speed, so when the left lane is blocked by a ninny, I move over and get around that person.  But the mindless driver is caught, because they can’t change lanes, and they are already accomplishing their goal, which by all accounts, is just to mindlessly tailgate whoever happens to be in the far left lane.


On the Komen Egg on My Face Disaster

Look, let’s suffice it to say that not everyone agrees when it comes to abortion.  Personally, I have no problem with those who oppose abortion—what I do have a problem with is when those people try to tell other people what to do.  For this blog, I want you to pretend I’m Lewis Black.

OK, so let’s even suppose that abortion is killing a person, which it’s not, because a fetus is not yet an autonomous person, but let’s suppose this anyway.  Doesn’t drinking kill people?  Industrial accidents, cigarettes, cars, pollution, fast food?  GUNS FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!  Why aren’t the Republican Christians outraged about those things too?

Nope.  No, actually, Republican Christians are generally for things like guns, cigarettes, NASCAR, pollution, and fast food, and really they don’t give too much of a shit about industrial accidents either.  That whole in a better place thing and all.

You see, this is the problem with the pro-life crowd—they’ve selected this one issue to stand alone on as being bad, or even evil, and yet, they don’t give a damn about anything else.  Just like those goddamn people with the “Baby on Board” signs in the car.  What, I’m going to suddenly drive more carefully because you have a baby in your car as opposed to an adult?  Oh, look honey, I better slow down because that Taurus has a baby on board–I was going to crash into him and kill us all–but now that I’ve seen that sign I just can’t go through with it.  What a joke.  I think we should all get signs that say, “Human on Board…Motherfucker.”

I digress.  Anyway, Komen’s mistake was stupid, because for one, only a tiny portion of what Planned Parenthood does is provide abortions, and for another, many Americans support the right of other Americans to make that choice for themselves.  Being pro-choice doesn’t mean believing that abortion is good and should be done as much as possible—it means that you don’t want to get into someone else’s personal business, and you certainly don’t want the government doing so.  Being pro-choice is about freedom and the right to privacy, and it really pisses people off when you try to find backhanded ways to curtail those fundamental rights.  Lord knows how crazy all those Southerners went when the Republicans lied to them and told them Obama was going to take away their guns…


Jerseyed Out

I forget what it was, but some other goddamn channel is now having another reality show with Jersey in the title.  What is this obsession with New Jersey?  I mean I get it—a bunch of angry people of primarily Italian descent with ridiculous accents that have ever-ballooning egos treating each without even the pretense of dignity and generally behaving like a bunch of huge fucking assholes.  Great.  But one question: how is this entertaining?  I mean honestly, I get why people go to the zoo, but these are real live human beings. Shouldn’t we be embarrassed? I guess thats what I don’t understand is why people love this stuff, when as Holden Caufield would say, it just depresses the hell out of me.

About The Author: Jay Scott


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