1) I was right, and now people are using my shit:
I heard two different media persons refer to the Republican field as the “clown show.” Ass clowns, I ask? Because that is what I said—don’t steal my shit fuckwads!
Anyhow, just to recap, yes, it is true, the Republican presidential field is a group of total ass clowns. Cain’s antics this week trying to defend his alleged sexual harassment is a prime example. He doesn’t have any facts to back this up, but…he’ll lie anyway.
However, I will go one step further than my media followers (Chris M, for instance). The reason the Republicans don’t have a candidate is that anyone who denies climate change, evolution, and the role of supply side economics in ruining our economy is either:
A) an idiot (enter Cain and Perry), who lacks the education to endure the scrutiny of a Presidential campaign.
B) a pathological liar who has no soul (example: Romney, with who, like a box a of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get), and is going to eventually get called out for taking wildly contradictory positions. OR…
C) a crazy fucking lunatic (Bachmann).
And the reason that more rational candidates, like John Huntsman or Ron Paul, aren’t viable, is that they don’t pass the litmus test for Republicans voters, a world in which Ronald Reagan is God, Rush Limbaugh is Jesus, and Fox News is the gospel. So, I’ll say to Republican voters what Cain said to people who find themselves jobless in the wake of corruption and malfeasance on Wall Street that brought the economy to a screeching halt, “If you don’t have a good candidate in next years elections, don’t blame the media or the liberals (my part), blame yourselves (Cain) for being fucking idiots who embrace ideology over intelligence (my part).”
2) They should call Millionaire Matchmaker, “How much bullshit and sexual awkwardness is a pretty girl willing to put up with to become a trophy wife.”
3) MNF Man Love
Whenever you make a play on Monday Night Football, you are a “special player,” “marvelous athlete,” or “unique talent.” And if you go onto the bus after the game, Ron Jaworski will probably suck your dick while Gruden drinks whiskey in the back (he just likes to watch). Know this: Tirico is waiting somewhere in the dark with a Clinton mask on his face and a hole cut in the front of his underwear.
4) Republican Affirmation:
John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, in response to Congress’s historically low approval rating (hey, they only promised jobs in 2010—so what if they’ve refused to debate Obama’s jobs bill—it’s not even the same thing), have instituted a daily affirmation that all Republicans have to repeat to themselves 10 times before they leave the house, brothel, or bathroom stall to come to work:
“I deserve to be re-elected. I’m entitled to make sure others are not happy. I refuse to acknowledge justified criticism. I can pay to sleep with attractive people. I am fun to snort coke with. I’m going to say “no” to all legislation today, and I’m going to help my campaign donors, because I’m evil enough, I’m an idiot, and doggone it, the Koch brothers like me.”