Dear Hillary Clinton,
Please don’t debate Donald Trump this Wednesday. I know, I know, it totally goes against conventional wisdom, but let’s face it: this election is anything but conventional.
To make it easy, I’ve made a list of all the reasons you shouldn’t show up:
- Donald Trump is a huge douche. I’m pretty sure he’s clinically insane, but there is only one thing he’s good at and that’s being mean. Actually scratch that–he’s like Darth Vader. Except worse, because Darth Vader–even in his most hateful moments–never quite killed the small part of him that was still good. Trump is more like Palpatine evil. In fact, I’m pretty sure if he could learn to shoot electricity from his fingers he would, but he’s way too dumb and lazy for that. In sum: Donald Trump is a terrible, soulless human being (I hesitate to give him even that) who is only going to say the most awful things he can possibly conjure up that won’t violate FCC rules. To be frank: do you really want to stand up there with an evil troll for 90 minutes? It’s beneath your dignity, Ms. Clinton.
- We’re not going to learn anything. The scheduled topics are as follows: debt and entitlements, immigration, the economy, the Supreme Court, foreign hot spots and the candidates’ fitness to be president. So in other words, it looks like Chris Wallace–who works for Fox News, by the way, not exactly a paragon of journalistic ethics–has free reign to focus on the scandals that have enveloped the campaign since news of Trump’s grabby grabs have come out. Trump’s reply to this has been to call your husband and our former President, Bill Clinton, a horrible person, which has absolutely nothing to do with anything including this year’s presidential election, but to his hordes of Reavers, it doesn’t matter… Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Benghazi, rah, rah, emails, emails, rah, rah, rah. Thus, we, the American public, are unlikely to learn anything about issues that actually matter. Lord knows Wallace won’t ask about Climate Change, even though it’s by far the biggest issue of our times–and that shows you just how informative these debates actually are. Let’s face it: this is going to turn into an insult-fest in which Donald Trump pivots on every question to say something horrific and slanderous about you, your husband, or some minority group–or just take the time to lie, badly, about America. After a over a year and a half, no one needs any more of this stuff.
- It degrades the office of President. Given the allegations and revelations in the past two weeks about Trump, any human being with the least bit of self respect or decency would have dropped out of the race by now–but as to point one, he hasn’t, because he’s a narcissistic cesspool who isn’t fit to bag dog shit let alone serve in the office of President. But it’s demeaning to our country to have a national forum where he can actually pretend he should be President, all while acting more like Hannibal Lecter than an actual statesman. Plus, what can you really do, Secretary Clinton? Talk about his tiny philandering hands? Trade insult for insult? Call him out on lie after lie after lie? Again, it’s beneath your dignity, especially considering that WHEN EVERYONE GOES OUT TO VOTE ON NOVEMBER 8th, you’ll be our next President!
- What do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing. There might a few complete idiots out there still trying to decide between you and Trump–but I doubt it. Here’s the equation: if the voter has a soul, an average IQ, and doesn’t want the country to be run by an embarrassing buffoon who’s not only corrupt and immoral, but also dumb as rock, they’re voting for you, Ms. Clinton. You’re currently up in the polls by anywhere from 5-11 points, and Trump is melting down into conspiracy theories, hate, and absurdity on the campaign trail. That being said, you’re not going to gain any of his voters. They’re lost: either they’re convinced that you’re equally bad (which is, of course, ridiculous), or they’re racist, or they’re caught up in Trump’s aura, worshipping him like some kind of God. These are not smart people, nor are they thoughtful, nor are they decent. They’re unprincipled, hateful trolls–or at the very best, deeply ignorant and confused people. They’re lost, and there’s nothing you can say to win them over.
OK, glad you’ve seen the light Secretary Clinton! So what do you do instead? Here’s the plan: hold a huge rally on a University of California campus and talk about Climate Change, investing in infrastructure, making college debt free, and allowing people with student loans to refinance them at lower rates. In other words, make a blatant appeal to millennials and Gen-Xers. Some are voting for Johnson, some are voting for Stein, and by making an explicit pitch for their vote, you’re sure to peel some off. And besides being a really great political move, it’s also the right thing to do–and it seems to me that in this election, that counts for a lot.
Then leave Trump to whatever he’s going to do on Wednesday. We know this: it’ll be awful, mean, and no one who takes part will feel good about themselves afterward. But let him do it alone. Don’t degrade yourself, or your Presidency, by appearing again in public with this man.
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