OK, so I’m just going to come right out and say it: I have had the worst fucking fantasy football season EVER. Either that or I’m a bad owner. Yeah, it’s probably that.
I should’ve known that this would be an inauspicious year right away: Jay Cutler was the first QB I took in the league I’m commish of—not because I wanted him to be my #1 QB mind you—but because of MASSIVE REACHES by other owners, combined with my stubborn refusal to adjust my draft strategy. It still doesn’t change the fact that: JAY FUCKING CUTLER WAS MY #1 QB! Ugh… the funny thing is, he was playing well until he got injured against Washington (I want to fight Mike Shanahan by the way—that really has nothing to do with this rant—he just looks like a fuck). But that didn’t matter. You know when you rely on Cutler you’re fucked. He’s as cursed as the damn Cubs.
Oh, and did I mention it’s a two quarterback league. My second QB was, drum-roll please… Carson Palmer. Yep, a man who looks like he’s about to prematurely collapse anytime the other team so much as threatens a blitz.
Seriously, I’ve never seen so much cowardly quarterback play in my life as I’ve seen this year—it’s almost as if these guys have never had large, angry men chasing them before—although, if Roger Goodell has his way, in a few years they probably won’t. To that point, some of the flags getting thrown for hits on the QB are laughable—they need a clause that says: “if the way you got the quarterback was the ONLY way you could get him, then it’s legal, whether it’s a blow to the head or a low tackle,” because the way we’re headed, future QBs will be downed by two hand touch.
But I digress… anyway, this is how bad my year has been:
1) I’ve had quarterbacks knocked out in the first half FIVE FUCKING TIMES—one week it happened to both of my starters. For those not in the know, when your QB is done for the day, that’s basically an instant loss, especially in a league where QB’s regularly score 20-30 points. Oh, and in that same league, I drafted: TRich (#2—incredibly epic fail who I was lucky to trade for Blackmon, who then quickly proceeded to get suspended for the year for substance abuse), Larry Fitzgerald (#3—why I was high on the Cardinals I’ll never know), Dwayne Bowe (#5—who I was lucky to trade for Givens—a total bust—and Le’Veon Bell—who’s been OK), and Jared Cook (#8—amazing first game, disappeared after). I also traded Eric Decker for Eli Manning (a panicky move induced after seeing Palmer play just two games), and started him against the Panthers in week three, when everyone, including the mighty Matthew Berry, said he was going to light up their shoddy secondary. The lesser Manning threw for 119 yards, was sacked seven times, and was replaced by Curtis Painter, who I’m pretty sure mowed my lawn this summer.
2) In the other league I play in, four of my six losses are to the highest scoring team of the week, and on three of those occasions, I had the second highest score overall, meaning I would have beaten every other team but the one I played. That’s kind of like going on a date with four really hot girls in the span of two months, only to have them tell you, one after the other, that they’re getting back together with their old boyfriend, because his dick is bigger than yours. Awesome.
3) The final straw was this week’s MNF. All I needed to win my office pool was the combined score to be 42 points or higher. There had been 41 points scored with 10 minutes to go in the 4th quarter, and then, thanks to a lousy roughing the QB call benefitting Tampa, and an epic fail on the part of the Dolphins offense, the game ended with, drum-roll please… 41. Oh, and that was the second week in a row I lost the pool on points. The week before I needed a score higher than 59, but of course, Aaron Rodgers was immediately injured and replaced by Tecumseh Sherman (actually it was Seneca Wallace, but you get the idea), completely fucking me in the ass. Ever run backward through a cornfield? That’s how it felt.
But, in fantasy football, that’s how it goes. Sure, there’s skill to fantasy football and gambling on the NFL (it helps to actually have some by the way), but like Texas Hold’em, a lot of times it’s a pure fucking crapshoot, and you’ll lose even if you’ve got the better hand. There is so much luck and chance involved on any play, and in any game, that anything—literally anything within the realm of a football field—can and will happen.
And this is why the other owners in my keeper league (which is awesome, by the way) need to shut up about trading draft picks for players. Sure, does the guy getting the draft pick benefit next year—absolutely—but so does the fucking guy whose getting the player! They get to benefit THIS YEAR, potentially for money. Ask yourself this question: would you rather A) be in the playoff hunt looking to shore up your team to make a run at winning the league, or B) have a season like I did in which nothing went right and Sunday went from being the best day of the week to the most depressing? No one who is sane answers B.
So look, at least let me salvage what little hope I have by getting a leg up next year. And you know what? That could all fall apart just as easily as this season did, because Fantasy Football is a random, anything-can-happen, crapshoot. Fuck.