Tonight’s Word: Torture

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In honor of Stephen Colbert’s signing off, the following post is dedicated to his fantastic work, which brings us to tonight’s word: torture.

Nation, you know what makes America a great? The fact that we aren’t willing to let morals get in the way of doing what’s right.

That’s why, in a recent Pew Poll, 51% of Americans approve of the use of torture by the CIA. Now, I know, we’d like to see that number at 100%, but 51% is still a majority, and if we look deeper at the poll, we see that the most American Americans—Republicans—approve by a resounding 76%. Not surprisingly, only 37% of faux Americans—Democrats—approved, showing once again that President Obama’s lawlessness has extended even into the soft, chalk-like consciousness of his own party. I’ve got two words for you Donkeys: Benghazi.

Not surprisingly, the older you are, the more you understand why torture is necessary. The Greatest Generation approves of torture by an overwhelming 62%, and Baby Boomers are right behind them at 59%. Meanwhile, only 44% of those pesky millennials approved, because they were too busy posting photos of themselves to Instagram to listen to Fox News Host Andrea Tantaros explain why torture is what makes America “awesome.”

Look, just because the Eighth Amendment says, “excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted,” doesn’t mean that torture is illegal in America, because what the founders forgot to put in there was that this only applies to women who dated Bill Cosby.

Plus, did you read the report—sounds to me like water-boarding people was pretty run of the mill, which makes it usual, not “unusual.” And really, is water-boarding so “cruel?” Sounds to me like it’s just a fancy name for a forced bath, and if that’s illegal, then aren’t moms all over the country breaking the law by forcing their children to bathe? DON’T TOUCH ME MOM I DON’T WANNA!!!

However, nation, to truly understand how great torture can be, we need only turn to our founding document, the Constitution… Also known as the Holy Bible.

You see, the Bible talks a lot about torture and it’s always good. Look no further than Job. Formerly a man who had everything, Job was tortured by Satan: his home ruined, his crops destroyed, his family gone; he was even afflicted with boils all over his body. Yet, Job never lost his faith—he only cursed the day he was born. But the moral here, nation, is that in the end, God gave Job back all his wealth and prosperity and then some, which he appreciated even more, knowing that at any moment it could be taken away and replaced by a WORLD OF PAIN!

Of course, Job’s story doesn’t even come close to the Brad Pitt of the Bible—that’s right, I’m talkin’ bout Jesus. People were trying to torture Jesus as soon as he was born. Consider that at the first Christmas, all Jesus got was gold, frankincense, and myrrh, when what he really wanted was a copy of Bill O’Reilly’s book that someone else wrote, called, “Killing Jesus.” Then, shortly after, Herod had all the male babies in Bethlehem under the age of two killed because Jesus could’ve been one of them, and Joseph and Mary had to take Jesus to Egypt (aka a “blacksite”) to escape.

And while we don’t really know what happened during Jesus’ childhood, we do know that when he came of age, he was “tempted”—aka tortured—for three days in the desert by Satan. After his torture, Jesus said, “thank you,” then got “baptized” aka water-boarded by John the Baptist, who later had his head cut off because he was “torturing” people.

Plus, Jesus spoke in parables, which is torture through language—what do they mean anyway: a mustard seed! Really! What the hell is am I supposed to get out of a mustard seed, aside of course, from mustard!

And then look at Jesus’ miracles. Come on, walking on water: that scared the hell out of Peter, and what is torture, really, but scaring someone so bad that they pee themselves and start worshipping their tormentor as God?

Finally nation, consider Christ’s last act: tortured by Pontius Pilate through beatings and all kinds of other gruesome brutality, until at last he was forced to carry his own cross up a mountain to be crucified by having nails driven through his limbs until he bled out, purportedly asking his Father why he’d been forsaken before he died. Pretty awful stuff, but guess what you and I got out of it? That’s right: a Savior.

So what did we learn? Torture, really, is just another word for Jesus, because without torture, he would’ve been just another water-walking, food-multiplying, miracle-performing hippy Jew with an immaculate birth.

And that’s tonight’s word.

If you like what we’re doing here at ChuckingRocks.com, please help us out by making a donation. Every dollar counts. If you can’t make a donation at this time, the other way you can help us is to spread the word–so please, like, share, email, tweet, and/or retweet our posts. Remember to follow us on twitter @chuckingrocks or email us: chuckingrocks.com@gmail.com.

About The Author: Jay Scott

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