Tonight’s Word: Monarchy

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The following is an homage to Stephen Colbert’s Tonight’s Word:

Nation, for so long, we conservatives have known that the best way to defeat poverty is to make being poor even more excrutiatingly painful by depriving the downtrodden of Food Stamps and medical care and then giving more money to “job creators” (aka rich people) in the form of tax breaks for their yachts and planes. The other thing we Republicans know is that taxes and government are evil, job-killing institutions that should be blown away like Dick Cheney’s friends on a hunting trip.

Thus, it’s with great joy nation, that I tell you Republicans in the House of Representatives recently voted to repeal the “death tax,” saving rich people millions. Now, to be honest, it’s not likely that our secret Muslim President, Barrack Hussein Obama, will sign it into law, but let me tell you why he should.

See, the death tax, my friends—which the liberal media spins as the inheritance tax—is a crafty government scheme to steal a small percentage of inheritance after $5.4 million from the innocent, deprived children of millionaires and billionaires. That’s right—the IRS reaches right through the recently deprived coffins of the wealthy from beyond the grave.

But if Republicans had their way, we could save 5,400 incredibly wealthy U.S. families millions and millions of dollars. We’re talking about $20 million to the wealthiest 1,300 estates—or as I like to call them, estancias—who would otherwise turn around immediately and hire more butlers and bartenders and escorts to satisfy their every wild, palatial desire.

In other words, nation, we’re talking jobs… which brings me to tonight’s word: Monarchy.

You see, over time, monarchy’s gotten a bad rap; we think of kings and queens, lords and ladies, court jesters and peasants, all prancing around in silly tunics and feasting on whole roasted animals, speaking in stilted English accents. But you see, monarchy doesn’t have to be that way at all, which is why the GOP is on a mission to bring it back.

Understand nation, that the word “king” is just another term for “job creator”, and “kingdom” another way of saying “company.” Indeed, weren’t monarchs of the past simply the entrepreneurs of a bygone era? They employed thousands of peasants, allowing them to live on their land (think apartment buildings and subdivisions), while the kingdom “company” profited from the fruits of their labor. And I don’t know about you, but being a “serf” sounds pretty great: lots of fresh air, a job outside where you can work with your hands from dawn to dusk, and buxom peasant girls ever on the lookout for some jaunty ribaldry. Imagine, for a moment, not knowing what you were going to eat each night—or if; fighting day to day to survive, ever on the watch for errant knights who may or may not want to kill you for sport. Oh to be alive in those days, nation! The thrills, the exhilaration!

And compared to monarchy, democracy is such a mess: it forces our job creators/kings to funnel all of their decision making through campaign donations to their favorite politicians, who then have to pretend to care about “peasant” issues during every election, instead of just being able to serving their rich, corporate master’s every whim. Wouldn’t it be easier instead, if, in all their wisdom and glory, the rich and powerful could just decide what is best for them, and therefore, what’s best for us?

And with democracy comes voting—what a disaster! Waiting in lines, machines that don’t work, and of course, all the voting fraud that never happens—but could. Thank goodness Republicans have been active on this front as well, stopping as many people from voting as humanly possible by requiring photo IDs and purging the rolls of voters who happen to have the same name as felons in other states; namely, poor or lazy people who should spend more time finding a job than worrying about their precious little vote.

Finally, my friends, though many in the liberal media try to convince us otherwise, we are a nation founded on God—specifically, the Christian one. But what happens when the good governor of Indiana, Mike Pence, tries to make it so: pandemonium. And how ironic, nation, that it leads to the persecution of good God fearing Christians who believe it’s their religious duty to persecute others.

Guess what kind of government wouldn’t allow this? You’ve guessed it: Monarchy. Under our new kings, we’d be told what to believe… and executed if we didn’t believe it. Pretty simple, right?

Plus, think of all the catchy slogans we could have with Monarchy, like…

Monarchy: where gays are closeted, or they die.

Monarchy: when the plague was a good way to go.

Monarchy: why read when you can just believe everything the priest tells you?

Or my personal favorite—Monarchy: putting women in their rightful place… property.

And that’s tonight’s word.

If you like what we’re doing here at ChuckingRocks.com, please help us out by making a donation. Every dollar counts. If you can’t make a donation at this time, the other way you can help us is to spread the word–so please, like, share, email, tweet, and/or retweet our posts. Remember to follow us on twitter @chuckingrocks or email us: chuckingrocks.com@gmail.com.

About The Author: Jay Scott

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